Hmph...

I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel I've been searching for is here. Only it didn't bring me the answers I was looking for. That's a strange feeling. I finally got some answers but, they weren't the ones that my heart wanted.

So, he's not ready. And he thinks I only am because everyone around me is actually doing it. But, here's the thing. I was ready long before Amanda's Vegas, his brother has been engaged nearly the entire time and Nana just started hers. Yes, there is also Amber and Brian this summer but, he's not even going to those with me. I was/am ready for myself. We've been living together for over a year. I'm ready.

Yet, he says he's not. What am I supposed to do with that? By now, that just sounds like an excuse or just further delaying what is never coming. Do I bow out gracefully? Do I stick it out and give myself a timeline? Do I become that girl that never really gets the guy? I took all of the stuff that I had been researching out of my purse this morning. I figured that was a good start to acceptance.

I don't feel okay today, however I'm not sure how to correctly describe what it is that I am feeling. I love him. I love him like I've loved no other. He is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the one who I trust. Who I let down my guard. Yet, I'm smart enough to realize that just because I feel that way doesn't mean that he does.

So, I show up at work. I put on my happy face and then I realize that the shit hadn't quite hit the fan just yet. Emily read my blog. But, more than that she took offense and actually responded. However, she put it out there like it was me. I'm not going to fight and toss words that in the end won't mean anything. But, just in case she reads it again...I did want you there Friday. That's why I asked. I didn't expect you to come to dinner. It was just me and Ev. I didn't know it was a couple thing because Courtney and Staci didn't show. I didn't know Matt wasn't coming and I certainly didn't know you were bringing your own entourage. I didn't know either of the girls with you. I didn't feel like you were actually there to be with me. I didn't get mad. I didn't get anything. I was too busy dealing with all of my other emotions that night. I was just glad that I got to see you.

Now, Sunday. In my mind, and I admit that the communication lines could've gotten crossed, but, in my mind it was always planned that I was going to church. Going to eat with Todd and then headed to Searcy. That way you had time to go to church and eat lunch with Matt or whomever. I didn't want to interrupt your Sunday schedule. You told me initially that you didn't have plans and that sounded like a good idea. So, when I'm on my way to eat with Todd and you tell me that you are headed to the lake I didn't know how to respond. What was I supposed to say? I hadn't been home all weekend. I didn't want to get home late. You didn't give me a time of when you would be back. I felt pushed aside. Yes, we are all busy. Yes we all have separate lives. But, that was one more time that I got pushed aside for someone else. It's a constant. Always busy. With other people. Too busy for me. Mad and upset was a long time ago. I'm over that. I just keep looking for it to change.

That is the common thread today. Not being mad or upset because someone doesn't put me where I want to be in their lives. I'm trying to figure out where I want to fit within the boundaries they are giving me or if I even fit at all.

Suntan lines...

I just experienced the weirdest weekend. It seemed as if anything that could happen, did. I ranged from crawfish to lingerie. Learning of someone's secret shopping to getting the door slammed in my face (again). I'm not even sure where to start so I'll start from the beginning.

Friday night Ev and I went and met Brian and Allison downtown. I finally got to meet her! She's just as lovely as she can be. There were the awkward moments but, I managed to um...get through them. I apparently left one hell of a voice message. To have been a fly on the wall in that bathroom!

Saturday was like the roller coaster ride in Jersey. Fun, then you get come to a screeching halt. You sit there. Stunned, terrified and then you are off again. Only wishing you had gotten off when you had the chance. I went to Mika's lingerie shower and sat next to my future mother in law. Enough said.

Then I went and sat outside and ate a ton of crawfish! This was the good part. Only until I got back to mom's to change for the party that night and realized I had burnt the crap out of myself! I'm still red and purple today! Oh, but that's not it. When we were putting me in the dress....the zipper broke. Thirty minutes before I'm supposed to meet Bre. I ended up borrowing one of Bre's dresses. Sunburn and all.

The party was a typical bachelorette party. Yet, somehow at the end of the night I was in awe. The older women were way more wild than us young folks and I was learning wayyyyy to much! Needless to say when my head hit the pillow that night, I was out cold. It had been a very long and exhausting day!

Sunday was nice. I got to go to church and see my brother. I ended up going home earlier than expected but, well....I have nothing to say to that. I may lock that proverbial door. I made it home and Evan and I did boring couple stuff (laundry, doggie baths) but, it was nice after the weekend I had just experienced. Of course, when I got home initally I was ready for a fight but, thank goodness he just rolls with me realizing that I will come out of the funk. Man, you gotta love that man. He's perfect. And shopping!

Now, I just have to survive this week and next week I'm in Jonesboogie with the girls!

Introducing PuggleBerry Fin. He's almost eight weeks old. He's exactly what my house needed. So much so that I even came home to Evan in a good mood! They'd played outside all day! After Ella, my life was dim. After Cody, our house was no longer a home. We were all sad and mopey. Yesterday, there was laughter and fun...and LOVE. We enjoyed being together and spending time away from the TV. I even made dinner! So, Mr. 2008....you don't win. I am going to beat you. I am going to have a good year. And yes, there are some tough moments ahead but, because I have the bestest friends and family standing behind me we will prevail. So ha!

For my babies.

For just a moment
I’m sure I saw a flicker of light ahead.
Perhaps it was your smile.
Though past now,
remembered,
in my heart
like the small sound
of a butterfly passing by.
No night is so dark
that can not be brightened
with memories of you.
Raindrops carry along
your blessings from heaven
to wash away my tears
and bring me hope anew.

Rarely do I write. Usually it is great upheaval that causes the words to flow. These came out last night. I miss Ella and Cody so much. They are the first things I think about when I wake up and the last thing I see before I drift off at night. Lately they have even been in my dreams. Maybe these are the words I've been searching for and now I can have some peace.