Mercy Me has a song entitled Bring The Rain. The first time I really heard the lyrics it stopped me cold. One of the hardest things I have struggled with this year is knowing when it's too much and when I need to hand it over for a second, ten minutes or a day. I am constantly surrounded by love. I have without a doubt one of the strongest support systems I have ever seen. From family to friends I am never without a kind word or a hug. I'm not sure I would have made it without them.
At the same time, I have this feeling. I have this voice inside my head. I don't ask why really. It is more of a what is the reason? I believe there has got to be a reason for the sacrifice, the pain, the glory of the good days.
The following lyrics are my answer:
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
I saw a dear friend say goodbye to her Mom today. She did it with her head held high so her own little girl would know that they were going to be ok. She had strength that could only come from one place. The rain....
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Amazing Grace
I had a hard time coming up with something to give up for Lent this year. Considering my diet is so restricted I couldn't do the typical food or drink. And then it hit me. For the next 40 days I will only listen to christian music. It has been two days and I am loving every second of Lent. I've never had that happen before! Usually I am struggling with my decision and I tell myself it is the sacrifice. This year I have a totally different view of this season. It is a season to remember that Jesus died for us. Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice and no amount of giving up caffeine or facebook is going to bring me any closer to him. But, by devoting these days to songs that worship, praise, pray and inspire will certainly bring me closer. Love it!
Last month was a bit rough. I thought it was because of my stomach and I was sick the entire month. In reality, it was a side effect of one of the meds. It made me an emotional basket case. Dr A immediately took me off of it and finally I am back to feeling more like me (still having stomach issues but less fear). I also had a minor surgery last week and realized how lucky I am. So many people called, came by, texted and checked on me. I have this wonderful support system and they definitely showed their strength and the power of prayer in the past week. I am hoping that my checkups at the end of this month go well and we are on the right path.
It still blows my mind that in all that is going on I feel like a very lucky girl. I have never been a person who depended on luck because lord knows the only luck I've ever had was bad luck! But, here I sit. Blessed. Loved. Lucky.
And it all comes from one thing...Grace.
Last month was a bit rough. I thought it was because of my stomach and I was sick the entire month. In reality, it was a side effect of one of the meds. It made me an emotional basket case. Dr A immediately took me off of it and finally I am back to feeling more like me (still having stomach issues but less fear). I also had a minor surgery last week and realized how lucky I am. So many people called, came by, texted and checked on me. I have this wonderful support system and they definitely showed their strength and the power of prayer in the past week. I am hoping that my checkups at the end of this month go well and we are on the right path.
It still blows my mind that in all that is going on I feel like a very lucky girl. I have never been a person who depended on luck because lord knows the only luck I've ever had was bad luck! But, here I sit. Blessed. Loved. Lucky.
And it all comes from one thing...Grace.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Forgiveness
Most mornings on my drive to work is when I have my time. My time to think, sing, talk to myself or just be in silence. It's how I gear up for the day and whatever it may entail. (Because we all know that it's my world and something is bound to happen!)
Here lately I have started listening to a christian station and I find such peace in the mornings. This morning was no different. But, the topic of the morning struck me dead center. Forgiveness. They were discussing the Tucson tragedy and how Gifford's husband wants to see the shooter because he forgives him. From there they started talking about situations where they had forgiven or been blessed with forgiveness from someone they had hurt.
And then these words were spoken...
Forgiveness is not about waiting on someone to say I'm sorry. It's not even about that person. Forgiveness is about one person. Yourself. Forgiveness is between you and God. Even though you forgive someone doesn't mean that they will be a part of your life or that things will go back to before the moment someone needed forgiveness.
And it hit me. Forgiveness. True Forgiveness is the first step out of that moment. What a wonderful thought that is. I can literally see myself taking so many first steps I could run a 5K! I listened and absorbed all that God was telling me. And then I started talking back.
I asked God to stand beside me and help me. And while I never thought it would happen on I-30 on my drive to work, I felt it. I felt him. I felt parts of me heal that I long ago buried and hid. I took my first steps towards becoming the person I so badly want to be. Not only was I forgiving but, I felt forgiven. And my oh my what an amazing feeling!
I have always heard others talk about when God talks to them. I often wondered if I wasn't listening close enough. Well, this morning I heard him loud and clear. And what a wonderful conversation it was!
Here lately I have started listening to a christian station and I find such peace in the mornings. This morning was no different. But, the topic of the morning struck me dead center. Forgiveness. They were discussing the Tucson tragedy and how Gifford's husband wants to see the shooter because he forgives him. From there they started talking about situations where they had forgiven or been blessed with forgiveness from someone they had hurt.
And then these words were spoken...
Forgiveness is not about waiting on someone to say I'm sorry. It's not even about that person. Forgiveness is about one person. Yourself. Forgiveness is between you and God. Even though you forgive someone doesn't mean that they will be a part of your life or that things will go back to before the moment someone needed forgiveness.
And it hit me. Forgiveness. True Forgiveness is the first step out of that moment. What a wonderful thought that is. I can literally see myself taking so many first steps I could run a 5K! I listened and absorbed all that God was telling me. And then I started talking back.
I asked God to stand beside me and help me. And while I never thought it would happen on I-30 on my drive to work, I felt it. I felt him. I felt parts of me heal that I long ago buried and hid. I took my first steps towards becoming the person I so badly want to be. Not only was I forgiving but, I felt forgiven. And my oh my what an amazing feeling!
I have always heard others talk about when God talks to them. I often wondered if I wasn't listening close enough. Well, this morning I heard him loud and clear. And what a wonderful conversation it was!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Gastroparesis....
Man, that is a heavy word. And yet, it lifted some of the weight off of my shoulders. I am indeed NOT crazy. On the other hand, I am sick. I have a chronic disease. I cannot be cured. It has taken me until now to be able to voice those words. I have secluded myself since leaving the doctor. I think I just needed some time to absorb what this is going to do to my life.
Gastroparesis (GP) is a disease that stops the stomach from emptying its food. Therefore, the food sits in your stomach and can ferment bacteria and then apparently my body goes into overdrive trying to extract said food. I will be prone to bezoars (sounds like something out of Harry Potter to me) and I will face many obstacles.
There are various treatments and many more on the horizon. For now, we are going to try a drastic change in diet and a drug protocol. Unfortunately, the only drug approved in the United States is Reglan and due to the risks with it my GI does not want me on it. Instead he has prescribed a medicine I can get from Canada. Of course, my insurance does not cover this.
I will go to the doctor every month for awhile to keep a steady eye on my progress. Other treatments can include a pacemaker inserted in the stomach lining, a form of gastric bypass that will bypass the muscles that don't work and there are studies of how botox injections can affect the stomach. These are some of the most drastic treatment options.
It will be nine years this year. Nine years since I had my bowel resection. Nine years of no answers. That's crazy to me. Crazy that it has taken almost a third of my life to find a doctor who was determined enough to give me an answer. It took him six weeks....six weeks. Nine years. Six weeks. Nine years. Blows my mind.
I also have indicators of small bowel chrons disease. He wants to take it one step at a time and see what we can fix as far as the GP first.
And as if that wasn't enough....I am now going to be taking B12 injections for the rest of my life. My deficiency is a result of the surgery and I will never produce my own again. Because the doc sees this as a permeanant treatment, he wants me to administer them at home. I just don't think I can give myself a shot so poor Ev gets to pick that one up. He is being quite the trooper and was very attentive when I got mine today. I will get next months shot in the office and then we will take the next step and start administering them ourselves.
I realize I am rambling. That's all I have done all night. Hence I haven't answered the phone. I don't have the words yet. Well, I guess I have a lot of words I just don't have them to voice yet. Hopefully, this will help some of you understand and give you some insight. I know that the news could have been so much worse. And for this, I am so thankful.
I prayed that God would show us an answer and he has! I prayed that the answer would be something that I can live with, and it is! Now, I just pray that God provides me the strength to deal with what is coming both physically and emotionally. I know that he will never give me more than I can handle. I may need a little help at times but, hey that's what all of the wonderful people in my life are for!
Gastroparesis (GP) is a disease that stops the stomach from emptying its food. Therefore, the food sits in your stomach and can ferment bacteria and then apparently my body goes into overdrive trying to extract said food. I will be prone to bezoars (sounds like something out of Harry Potter to me) and I will face many obstacles.
There are various treatments and many more on the horizon. For now, we are going to try a drastic change in diet and a drug protocol. Unfortunately, the only drug approved in the United States is Reglan and due to the risks with it my GI does not want me on it. Instead he has prescribed a medicine I can get from Canada. Of course, my insurance does not cover this.
I will go to the doctor every month for awhile to keep a steady eye on my progress. Other treatments can include a pacemaker inserted in the stomach lining, a form of gastric bypass that will bypass the muscles that don't work and there are studies of how botox injections can affect the stomach. These are some of the most drastic treatment options.
It will be nine years this year. Nine years since I had my bowel resection. Nine years of no answers. That's crazy to me. Crazy that it has taken almost a third of my life to find a doctor who was determined enough to give me an answer. It took him six weeks....six weeks. Nine years. Six weeks. Nine years. Blows my mind.
I also have indicators of small bowel chrons disease. He wants to take it one step at a time and see what we can fix as far as the GP first.
And as if that wasn't enough....I am now going to be taking B12 injections for the rest of my life. My deficiency is a result of the surgery and I will never produce my own again. Because the doc sees this as a permeanant treatment, he wants me to administer them at home. I just don't think I can give myself a shot so poor Ev gets to pick that one up. He is being quite the trooper and was very attentive when I got mine today. I will get next months shot in the office and then we will take the next step and start administering them ourselves.
I realize I am rambling. That's all I have done all night. Hence I haven't answered the phone. I don't have the words yet. Well, I guess I have a lot of words I just don't have them to voice yet. Hopefully, this will help some of you understand and give you some insight. I know that the news could have been so much worse. And for this, I am so thankful.
I prayed that God would show us an answer and he has! I prayed that the answer would be something that I can live with, and it is! Now, I just pray that God provides me the strength to deal with what is coming both physically and emotionally. I know that he will never give me more than I can handle. I may need a little help at times but, hey that's what all of the wonderful people in my life are for!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Hope, Faith and Love
2011. Wow. Time has flown by. I don't normally do resolutions but, Bre has inspired me. My resolution for 2011 is to get back to writing. And for now, writing means blogging.
So much has changed for me since the last blog....
The wedding was perfect. It was everything I could have ever hoped for. We have now been married for over a year! How crazy is that?
Some very important people have also entered my world. My sister and Evan's brother both had baby boys in 2010. Carter and Peyton are the most perfect nephews in the world. Bre and Allen also blessed us with our little angel, Josie. She just completes the circle. These babies are such joys and examples of God's love in our lives these days. They show us how simple and perfect and easy love is. How unconditional God's love for us is.
2010 was a year of learning and growing. It was the year I became an aunt. I have gained so much. I can only hope that 2011 brings as much joy. This is just the beginning of what is to come....
A special thank you to Bre! Thank you for inspiring me to get back on here!
So much has changed for me since the last blog....
The wedding was perfect. It was everything I could have ever hoped for. We have now been married for over a year! How crazy is that?
Some very important people have also entered my world. My sister and Evan's brother both had baby boys in 2010. Carter and Peyton are the most perfect nephews in the world. Bre and Allen also blessed us with our little angel, Josie. She just completes the circle. These babies are such joys and examples of God's love in our lives these days. They show us how simple and perfect and easy love is. How unconditional God's love for us is.
2010 was a year of learning and growing. It was the year I became an aunt. I have gained so much. I can only hope that 2011 brings as much joy. This is just the beginning of what is to come....
A special thank you to Bre! Thank you for inspiring me to get back on here!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Frustration Overload
We are all grown adults. So why the need to play games or cause drama? Why is there the desire to include everyone in something that shouldn't even be dramatic?
When Ev and I got engaged, I instantly knew who to ask to be my flower girls. Little did I know that it would become the stressor and the source of so much drama in the planning of the wedding. From the get go its just been hard. To hard.
It would have all been much simpler to just say no, I don't like that dress. No I can't afford that dress. No I don't have the backbone to ask for my daughter. But, instead its been me saying no thats fine. I totally understand. Let me bend just a little bit more to accomodate you. And what do I get? They think I don't want the girls in the wedding. Go figure.
Well, I bent until I broke. It was never about labels or money. It was never about anything other than wanting to find a dress everyone could live with. A brown dress. Clearly that was too much. I'm fed up and frustrated. I've handed it off to Evan. I can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to. I want to be excited again. I'm focusing on other things. I'm going to back to happy land.
When Ev and I got engaged, I instantly knew who to ask to be my flower girls. Little did I know that it would become the stressor and the source of so much drama in the planning of the wedding. From the get go its just been hard. To hard.
It would have all been much simpler to just say no, I don't like that dress. No I can't afford that dress. No I don't have the backbone to ask for my daughter. But, instead its been me saying no thats fine. I totally understand. Let me bend just a little bit more to accomodate you. And what do I get? They think I don't want the girls in the wedding. Go figure.
Well, I bent until I broke. It was never about labels or money. It was never about anything other than wanting to find a dress everyone could live with. A brown dress. Clearly that was too much. I'm fed up and frustrated. I've handed it off to Evan. I can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to. I want to be excited again. I'm focusing on other things. I'm going to back to happy land.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Catching up...
First and foremost...WE ARE GETTING MARRIED! Hallelujah! 09-19-09 is the big day. I can't freaking wait! Excited doesn't even begin to describe the constant state I'm in.
Okay sorry. Hmmm..planning a wedding. This time around its amazing. I'm spending such wonderful times with my girls. Evan and I are communicating on this entirely different level. I'm all sparkly (both inside and out!)
And while I have found my prince charming, I'm still hanging in there for my girls. I have come to have a total dislike for one JA. He put on this front of perfection and now that he actually needs to stand up and be a man, he's not. Suprise Suprise. No, instead he's going to be selfish and assign blame to everyone but, himself. Grrr...
I'm going to jump back in my sparkly world. Little does he know...I'm taking her with me. He doesn't stand a chance.
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