Most mornings on my drive to work is when I have my time. My time to think, sing, talk to myself or just be in silence. It's how I gear up for the day and whatever it may entail. (Because we all know that it's my world and something is bound to happen!)
Here lately I have started listening to a christian station and I find such peace in the mornings. This morning was no different. But, the topic of the morning struck me dead center. Forgiveness. They were discussing the Tucson tragedy and how Gifford's husband wants to see the shooter because he forgives him. From there they started talking about situations where they had forgiven or been blessed with forgiveness from someone they had hurt.
And then these words were spoken...
Forgiveness is not about waiting on someone to say I'm sorry. It's not even about that person. Forgiveness is about one person. Yourself. Forgiveness is between you and God. Even though you forgive someone doesn't mean that they will be a part of your life or that things will go back to before the moment someone needed forgiveness.
And it hit me. Forgiveness. True Forgiveness is the first step out of that moment. What a wonderful thought that is. I can literally see myself taking so many first steps I could run a 5K! I listened and absorbed all that God was telling me. And then I started talking back.
I asked God to stand beside me and help me. And while I never thought it would happen on I-30 on my drive to work, I felt it. I felt him. I felt parts of me heal that I long ago buried and hid. I took my first steps towards becoming the person I so badly want to be. Not only was I forgiving but, I felt forgiven. And my oh my what an amazing feeling!
I have always heard others talk about when God talks to them. I often wondered if I wasn't listening close enough. Well, this morning I heard him loud and clear. And what a wonderful conversation it was!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Gastroparesis....
Man, that is a heavy word. And yet, it lifted some of the weight off of my shoulders. I am indeed NOT crazy. On the other hand, I am sick. I have a chronic disease. I cannot be cured. It has taken me until now to be able to voice those words. I have secluded myself since leaving the doctor. I think I just needed some time to absorb what this is going to do to my life.
Gastroparesis (GP) is a disease that stops the stomach from emptying its food. Therefore, the food sits in your stomach and can ferment bacteria and then apparently my body goes into overdrive trying to extract said food. I will be prone to bezoars (sounds like something out of Harry Potter to me) and I will face many obstacles.
There are various treatments and many more on the horizon. For now, we are going to try a drastic change in diet and a drug protocol. Unfortunately, the only drug approved in the United States is Reglan and due to the risks with it my GI does not want me on it. Instead he has prescribed a medicine I can get from Canada. Of course, my insurance does not cover this.
I will go to the doctor every month for awhile to keep a steady eye on my progress. Other treatments can include a pacemaker inserted in the stomach lining, a form of gastric bypass that will bypass the muscles that don't work and there are studies of how botox injections can affect the stomach. These are some of the most drastic treatment options.
It will be nine years this year. Nine years since I had my bowel resection. Nine years of no answers. That's crazy to me. Crazy that it has taken almost a third of my life to find a doctor who was determined enough to give me an answer. It took him six weeks....six weeks. Nine years. Six weeks. Nine years. Blows my mind.
I also have indicators of small bowel chrons disease. He wants to take it one step at a time and see what we can fix as far as the GP first.
And as if that wasn't enough....I am now going to be taking B12 injections for the rest of my life. My deficiency is a result of the surgery and I will never produce my own again. Because the doc sees this as a permeanant treatment, he wants me to administer them at home. I just don't think I can give myself a shot so poor Ev gets to pick that one up. He is being quite the trooper and was very attentive when I got mine today. I will get next months shot in the office and then we will take the next step and start administering them ourselves.
I realize I am rambling. That's all I have done all night. Hence I haven't answered the phone. I don't have the words yet. Well, I guess I have a lot of words I just don't have them to voice yet. Hopefully, this will help some of you understand and give you some insight. I know that the news could have been so much worse. And for this, I am so thankful.
I prayed that God would show us an answer and he has! I prayed that the answer would be something that I can live with, and it is! Now, I just pray that God provides me the strength to deal with what is coming both physically and emotionally. I know that he will never give me more than I can handle. I may need a little help at times but, hey that's what all of the wonderful people in my life are for!
Gastroparesis (GP) is a disease that stops the stomach from emptying its food. Therefore, the food sits in your stomach and can ferment bacteria and then apparently my body goes into overdrive trying to extract said food. I will be prone to bezoars (sounds like something out of Harry Potter to me) and I will face many obstacles.
There are various treatments and many more on the horizon. For now, we are going to try a drastic change in diet and a drug protocol. Unfortunately, the only drug approved in the United States is Reglan and due to the risks with it my GI does not want me on it. Instead he has prescribed a medicine I can get from Canada. Of course, my insurance does not cover this.
I will go to the doctor every month for awhile to keep a steady eye on my progress. Other treatments can include a pacemaker inserted in the stomach lining, a form of gastric bypass that will bypass the muscles that don't work and there are studies of how botox injections can affect the stomach. These are some of the most drastic treatment options.
It will be nine years this year. Nine years since I had my bowel resection. Nine years of no answers. That's crazy to me. Crazy that it has taken almost a third of my life to find a doctor who was determined enough to give me an answer. It took him six weeks....six weeks. Nine years. Six weeks. Nine years. Blows my mind.
I also have indicators of small bowel chrons disease. He wants to take it one step at a time and see what we can fix as far as the GP first.
And as if that wasn't enough....I am now going to be taking B12 injections for the rest of my life. My deficiency is a result of the surgery and I will never produce my own again. Because the doc sees this as a permeanant treatment, he wants me to administer them at home. I just don't think I can give myself a shot so poor Ev gets to pick that one up. He is being quite the trooper and was very attentive when I got mine today. I will get next months shot in the office and then we will take the next step and start administering them ourselves.
I realize I am rambling. That's all I have done all night. Hence I haven't answered the phone. I don't have the words yet. Well, I guess I have a lot of words I just don't have them to voice yet. Hopefully, this will help some of you understand and give you some insight. I know that the news could have been so much worse. And for this, I am so thankful.
I prayed that God would show us an answer and he has! I prayed that the answer would be something that I can live with, and it is! Now, I just pray that God provides me the strength to deal with what is coming both physically and emotionally. I know that he will never give me more than I can handle. I may need a little help at times but, hey that's what all of the wonderful people in my life are for!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Hope, Faith and Love
2011. Wow. Time has flown by. I don't normally do resolutions but, Bre has inspired me. My resolution for 2011 is to get back to writing. And for now, writing means blogging.
So much has changed for me since the last blog....
The wedding was perfect. It was everything I could have ever hoped for. We have now been married for over a year! How crazy is that?
Some very important people have also entered my world. My sister and Evan's brother both had baby boys in 2010. Carter and Peyton are the most perfect nephews in the world. Bre and Allen also blessed us with our little angel, Josie. She just completes the circle. These babies are such joys and examples of God's love in our lives these days. They show us how simple and perfect and easy love is. How unconditional God's love for us is.
2010 was a year of learning and growing. It was the year I became an aunt. I have gained so much. I can only hope that 2011 brings as much joy. This is just the beginning of what is to come....
A special thank you to Bre! Thank you for inspiring me to get back on here!
So much has changed for me since the last blog....
The wedding was perfect. It was everything I could have ever hoped for. We have now been married for over a year! How crazy is that?
Some very important people have also entered my world. My sister and Evan's brother both had baby boys in 2010. Carter and Peyton are the most perfect nephews in the world. Bre and Allen also blessed us with our little angel, Josie. She just completes the circle. These babies are such joys and examples of God's love in our lives these days. They show us how simple and perfect and easy love is. How unconditional God's love for us is.
2010 was a year of learning and growing. It was the year I became an aunt. I have gained so much. I can only hope that 2011 brings as much joy. This is just the beginning of what is to come....
A special thank you to Bre! Thank you for inspiring me to get back on here!
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