I'm officially boycotting the holidays...

First Christmas, now Easter. I can't do it anymore.

I was just beginning to feel somewhat normal and ok with the horrid christmas experience when thud, there I am swinging by my ankles because life happened again.

Saturday, Evan and I went to Hot Springs and had a nice day with friends. We left around three-thirty and got home around ten fifteen or so. Here's the moment where I quit being okay. I opened the backdoor to let Brody in and there he was in all his glory. He came in and started to eat but, no one came with him. My babies weren't there. I didn't panic at first. They were probably in the dog house. Nope not there. I don't know why but, I walked over to the gate at the fence and lets just say I woke up the neighbor. The lock had been opened and they were gone. My babies who weigh no more than ten pounds are gone. Into the night. I'm hysterical. I really have woken up the neighbor who is out helping us look for them. I'm driving, crying. I get home Evan takes off with Brody on foot. I call the police trying to figure out who I am supposed to really talk to and an officer says he is on his way. I was that panicked. I'm sitting at the house waiting on word in case one of them comes home and in walks Ev. He's holding my baby girl. She's safe. Some angels took her in and kept her from harm for me. We looked for two hours and wore ourselves out. Evan finally convinced me to lay down after leaving all of the lights on, the garage door open and some food out for Cody.

Sunday morning we look. Still no sign of him. I'm convinced that someone has him and is keeping him safe. I know that since it is Easter everyone is going to be at church so going door to door isn't going to do me any good. I decided to go to church and have my time with God. I sat through the entire service pleading with him. Afterwards me, Mom, Dad and Cooper head back to Benton. We made fliers and took off. We had split up to cover more ground when I hear my dad hollering for my mom. My heart sank. I turned around and there was my baby. He'd been hit by a car. A wonderful family had gotten him and held him for me. I had found my baby and it was going to tear me apart. I took him home and cleaned him up. I got him a shirt and his toys and we laid him to rest with Ella. I wouldn't have it any other way.

He was my boy. He was such a momma's boy. People have told us that they saw him playing in the pond, swimming with the ducks and just on a grand pug adventure. It brings some ease to the pain but, not much. I'll never understand how someone could hit him and leave. In a neighborhood where you can't drive over thirty. They could have stopped. They could have swerved. Someone could have saved my baby. I know that I am supposed to be grateful that I have Maggie and Brody. And believe me I am. I would not be able to get out of bed if we had lost them all. But, to lose my Codes after such a tramatic experience with Ella, I'm not sure how to feel. I feel very raw and exposed. I feel like I have just split down the center. This one I can't wrap my head around. This one I can't make sense of.

In literally three months we went from a family of six to four. My original crew is now just me and Mags. That reality is eating away at me.

Evan has been so good. He knows the pain. He's trying to help me. Yet, this morning happened.

Honestly, from the bottom of my heart I know it isn't true. But, I also was sitting on a ledge. And white lace pushed me. I knew that it wouldn't take much but, I also knew that I was about to fall. I fell. Hard. So hard that I can't even cry. I just feel even more empty because I could lose Evan. Just yesterday I told him that I needed him to always be there. What if he's not? What if it really is just me and Maggie? Can I do this again? I honestly don't know. I don't know how to get around this one. I don't know how to be the strong independent woman who can survive anything. I think my raft has sprung a leak and I'm going to drown in the Colorado River. The rapids have punctured the life raft......

The Mongolian Death Flu

Oh my. It's back. With more fury than I've ever known.

I've ran a fever since Saturday. I've been in bed since Sunday. I've been miserable since Friday.

I came to work today because my boss apparently has no sympathy. However, I am finishing up what is on my desk and I am going home. Nothing sounds better than crawling back into bed. NOTHING.

I am alive (barely). Apparently in my illness I have missed a ton. I vaguely remember the convos over the last few days but, there were engagements, marriages, deadlines and rings galore. I just slept through it all I guess.

Ugh...gonna go finish so I can go home.

Snow Days

It's snowing in Arkansas in March! Really what is up with the weather these days! We had tornadoes on Monday, Snow on Tuesday, sleet yesterday and heavy snow today. Good gracious!

I started my women's bible study last night. "Living Beyond Yourself" I really really like last night. I could already recognize what I do when things seem out of my reach. I don't strain. I don't push myself. I just quit. How many times have I said "I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of pushing. I'm tired of putting so much effort into something that I get nothing out of?" I've done with romantic relationships, friendships, and even relationships within my family. Well, I'm going to go back to pushing my boundaries. Even though I don't think I can do it, God knows I can. He knows that the greatest things come with effort and a little blood, sweat and tears. So here's my goal....

1. Have patience with Evan. In all things big and small. God knows what my heart wants and if it is meant to be he will bring me my sparkle and my happy ever after.
2. Work on things with Emily. Even though I feel like I have been pushed out, I must push myself back in.
3. Push myself back into Courtney's life as well. We have come to far and too long to lose it now.
4. Push myself to not want an apology and a conversation to make things better with my brother. He's my brother no matter what.

As I sit here watching the snow fall I feel peace yet fear. What if Emily doesn't want me back in? What if things with Evan don't work out? What if Todd never wants to come home and be a family again? Here is me pushing myself out of the tomb of self denial and pushing myself into his glory and into his light. I feel like I'm pushing one of the rocks from stonehenge and at any minute it will tumble down on top of me and I will perish but, at least no one will be able to say I wasn't actively living and loving.

If you see me red faced and out of breath it's because on top of my running habit I'm not an active pusher in my own life. I've learned to stand up and not be the door mat. Know I have to learn to push the door wide open.