Since August?

Has it really been that long? Jeez. You'd think I'd been busy or something!

Well, it's into November now and I have never been more ready for a year to be over. It has been a loooong one. There has just been too much for me to handle this year. Somehow I think (maybe, possibly) I might actually survive all of the losses and never ending hospital time. I even manged to land myself in one! Good gracious.

The plus side of 2008 has been Evan. Without a doubt. I wouldn't have made it through without him. And the week we spent in the hospital did nothing but, strengthen us. I say we because he rarely left my side. He was a constant in a place that he hates. He held my hand while I slept, fetched my whatever I needed and slept in a most uncomfortable chair.

We've finally got it right. Wow. Finally after all these years and after all of the issues that MM brought into my life, I've gotten it right. I can see my future in Evan's eyes. It's an amazing sight. And what's even more amazing is others can see it too. Mom, Dad, Staci and all of our friends finally see it too.

We've got 20 more days of November and December and then it's that new beginning. It's the new year and a time of change and letting go. It's a time to remember and learn and hopefully, start planning one kick-a party for the fall of 2009.

I hope to be able to look back on this year and remember the love that was felt even on the worst of days. I want to be able to look back on certain days and not see the tears or the heartache but, instead see who was standing with me on those days. Or, who I was standing with. It's been a hard year on more than just me. On her, it's been the hardest ever. I only hope that when she looks back she sees the love that surrounds her and can feel the flutter of the wings.

Red Letter Day

Yesterday was a day of testing. It tested my mental well-being, my endurance, my faith.

It started out like everyday. I got dressed and drove to work. The Neon has been shaking a bit so I've been worried about her but, I thought I need to get her balanced and rotated. I was planning to do it this weekend. Well, I got to work all dressed up and started the trek to the office. I made it to the stairwell and missed the very first step. I tumbled down the flight of stairs. Being the seasoned klutz that I am I knew to just let it happen and not fight it. I walked away without a scratch. I'm sure there will be bruises and I already ache but, I came out pretty much unscathed. Until I looked at the cute dress I had on. I had split the seam. Really split it. Not even safety pins would've saved me. So, I drove back to Benton and changed. Put on yet, another cute dress and headed back to Little Rock. I made it three exits before the Neon started shuddering (that's only word I know to describe it). I sensed a blow out was imminent so I pulled over on the side of I-30. Scary. And there I sat waiting on someone to come rescue me. I could have changed the tire I'm sure but, I wasn't wanting to ruin yet another dress for the day! Finally Ev, was able to leave and Dad was right behind him. We got it changed, got a new tire at good ole Wally World and I got to have dinner with my two favorite men. There was a bright and shiny in the day. Clearly, the disasters still haven't tested my optimism!

I survived the rest of the day and ended up having a good night with Ev. We cooked together and watched a movie. Now, I just have to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow. Dad is have back surgery. I could really use all those prayers in the morning. It's going to be so hard to let them take him back there. This is a big surgery. They are messing with important stuff! This is my Daddy. I'll need comfort, peace, and safe prayers tomorrow. I want my Dad to feel better. I need him to feel better. That way I can feel better!

Grace and Faith

Two words that will forever have completely different meanings for our small circle. They will be forever associated with God's love and hope. We may not understand all of his choices but, we have to believe that he knows what he is doing. He is guiding us down the path.

August 13, 2008 will forever be remembered. It will be the day we met Grace and Faith. It will also be the day that we learned we didn't lose Faith. We will never lose Faith. We may not be able to see or hear but, it's like the wind. We can always feel it. Faith will always be a part of us. The constant reminder of God's perfection. We will meet again.

Grace sounds like a gentle nature. When in reality it is fighting. It's of immeasurable strength and epitomizes his glory.

Grace and Faith
8/13/2008

One of those moments...

I've come to the point that the moments of anger and the desire to physically cause Michael harm are few and far between. Yet, when I see him setting a trap for someone else, they flare up. Big time. People are starting to take notice that he has set his eyes on a much much younger, innocent, naive one. She's just what he wanted me and Lee to be, only we weren't. She seems to idolize him. She thinks he will take care of her. She thinks her life just got better. Her life just veered of the road and is careening out of control. He took her to New York. NEW YORK. Can't he think of something original?

I made a list of just a few of the similarities...

. 1. He seriously took her down the history of his previous relationships.
2. TrailerPark Restraunt....hmmm, I went there. He took the drunken one there....
3. Jeff is her new gay best friend...hmmmmm...(that's odd considering I was the female version of Jeff.)
4. The Barking Dog. Maggie's favorite place to go.
5. The "famous" bridge. Do you think she knows just how famous?
6. Korea Way...I nearly choked. We took Corey there.
7. Grand Central. Not even going to touch the fact that we met there.
8. Summer's Apt....this is where I moved after Tara left and this is where Lee came to visit.
9. Black and White Cookie....Very first thing we did when I got off the plane that summer
10. Serendipity...We took mom there. We took everyone there.

He truly sucks. Truly. And S looks horrid.

Oh, my blood is boiling.

Race for the Cure 2008

Dear Friends and Family,

I recently accepted the challenge to raise funds to save a life by joining the Because I Care(TM) fundraising program for the Susan G. Komen Arkansas Race for the Cure®. I want to help in the fight against breast cancer.

One in eight women will be stricken with breast cancer in her lifetime. In Arkansas, a mammogram costs an estimated $150. By helping me raise that amount you can help me save a life. The more we raise, the more the Arkansas Affiliate can give back to fund vital breast cancer education, screening and treatment programs in our own community and support the national search for a cure. Click here to visit my personal page and pledge your support.Please join me in my effort to save a life. Your generous tax-deductible contribution will fund innovative outreach and awareness programs for medically underserved communities in Arkansas and national breast cancer research. It is faster and easier than ever to support this great cause - you can make a donation online by simply clicking on the link provided in this message. Whatever you can give will help!

I truly appreciate your support and will keep you posted on my progress.Thank you so much for your time and support in the fight against breast cancer! This year's race chair is volunteering her time in honor of her three small daughters. That is why -- This one's for the Girls!!!

Sincerely,Tara Dedmon

To sponsor my participation online, http://race.komenarkansas.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=1030&px=1271281

I've caught the bug..

All day I dream about colors, music, clear tents on the grounds of a plantation, flowers...

The fun and easy decisions that seem to be in my very near future. It seems that there will be difficult ones too. And what's so strange is it should be the easiest. Shouldn't a girl just instinctly know who she wants to support her? Shouldn't it be about having the people who love her the most being there. Not worrying about hurting others feelings. Not worrying about people letting her down? My mom told me I was a "friend person." I have tons of them. I'm just like that. Yet, I don't know how many of them I would trust on this day. A day that means so much. And that's when it really hits me. How many actually know what this day will mean to me? How many have known the struggle and the chances I have taken to get here.

It's crazy to think that I'm even thinking of it already but, I've been dreaming of it for so long and now that it's in the forseeable future...it's all becoming more and more real. How much I've grown, how I am, how my relationships have changed and how some are stronger, some are complete wonderful suprises and some are faltering. Does history overpower the present? Thankfully, I have awhile to discuss and overanalyze.

Meanwhile, I'll just go back to clear tents....

I immediately went to the thought..."what's wrong with me?"

Not because I wanted him now but, because he didn't want me then. It's a reoccuring them. An awful one. So I go to the only person who gets this and this is what she says.

It's like Season 3 of SATC. Big goes away to Paris and comes home with a new gf/fiance/very soon to be wife. And Carrie, who waited on him for 2 years, the guy who said he didn't want to get married, is left with the question "Why her? Why not me?"

Carrie felt like she had done all the hard word, "breaking in" Big for marriage so that the next woman who came along was the one who got him. Because she had somehow gotten him to the place.

Do you remember this episode. At the end she sees Big in the street and ask him. He didn't have an answer. But she finally had an answer for herself. This was the episode where she says: Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them.What Carrie realized is that maybe she didn't "break in" Big, but rather, she was the one who was unable to be broken in. He couldn't tame her, because of the kind of woman she was. She was not the plain pretty girl with obedient hair. She was not easy. Men want to be with women who are easy.

You, my dear Tara, are nothing of the sort. You are me, and I am you, and we are not tame, we cannot be broken in, and we will never be easy. We will simply be. And by that, I mean we will be who we are. We are intimidating because we are something different.

This is what I must remember. This is what we must remember. We are strong women. We are the type of women that our mothers wanted us to be. That's why they instilled in us such independence. We fight our own battles. We wear our scars with pride. We won't just sit back and watch you hurt us. We will find our own way. If that means that you don't want to come with us, that's your decision. We know that we are never truly alone. We have our angels and we have each other. Whether we are climbing mountains or mole hills...jumping or falling...swimming or sinking...staying or going, we are together. Surviving this crazy thing called our lives.

Letting go is Love

Who knew that now would be the time to let go? A time when everything is so close to being right and I'm letting go of the one person who I always thought I would share it with. We've both moved on. We've both grown so apart. We've learned to love anew. We taught each other what love was so many years ago and now, we are loving others. It's so strange but, I guess that is how it works.

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short

With every beginning...there is an ending.

2008 gave me a split weekend. I was able to enjoy a wonderful wedding this weekend. It was a joy to spend with such dear friends and family. It was a beautiful wedding. One much needed to help me prepare for Sunday.

What a morning. Early up and back to Cabot. My car was at my mom's so we stopped by there to pick it up. It was here that she had the look and the sound in her voice. Something was very very wrong. In the most unexpected and worst way. Our Brandon was hurting. He had been hurting. We just didn't know it. He took his life on Saturday. Through the shock and the pain, I felt familiar feelings creeping up on me. The questions. Knowing that there aren't any answers. What can I do to possibly help with the pain? This is one that I can't do anything about. I still have too many questions from Matt to even begin to be able to heal with my family over Brandon.

He was such a beautiful boy. He was only a boy. He had so much to live for and that's where I'm lost. I used to keep he and his brother and sister when they were tiny things. He was that child. I'm just at a loss. For the first time in years, I saw Matt again. I havent' had the dream in forever and it shakes me to the core that there he was with Brandon. It shakes me to the core.

Hmph...

I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel I've been searching for is here. Only it didn't bring me the answers I was looking for. That's a strange feeling. I finally got some answers but, they weren't the ones that my heart wanted.

So, he's not ready. And he thinks I only am because everyone around me is actually doing it. But, here's the thing. I was ready long before Amanda's Vegas, his brother has been engaged nearly the entire time and Nana just started hers. Yes, there is also Amber and Brian this summer but, he's not even going to those with me. I was/am ready for myself. We've been living together for over a year. I'm ready.

Yet, he says he's not. What am I supposed to do with that? By now, that just sounds like an excuse or just further delaying what is never coming. Do I bow out gracefully? Do I stick it out and give myself a timeline? Do I become that girl that never really gets the guy? I took all of the stuff that I had been researching out of my purse this morning. I figured that was a good start to acceptance.

I don't feel okay today, however I'm not sure how to correctly describe what it is that I am feeling. I love him. I love him like I've loved no other. He is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the one who I trust. Who I let down my guard. Yet, I'm smart enough to realize that just because I feel that way doesn't mean that he does.

So, I show up at work. I put on my happy face and then I realize that the shit hadn't quite hit the fan just yet. Emily read my blog. But, more than that she took offense and actually responded. However, she put it out there like it was me. I'm not going to fight and toss words that in the end won't mean anything. But, just in case she reads it again...I did want you there Friday. That's why I asked. I didn't expect you to come to dinner. It was just me and Ev. I didn't know it was a couple thing because Courtney and Staci didn't show. I didn't know Matt wasn't coming and I certainly didn't know you were bringing your own entourage. I didn't know either of the girls with you. I didn't feel like you were actually there to be with me. I didn't get mad. I didn't get anything. I was too busy dealing with all of my other emotions that night. I was just glad that I got to see you.

Now, Sunday. In my mind, and I admit that the communication lines could've gotten crossed, but, in my mind it was always planned that I was going to church. Going to eat with Todd and then headed to Searcy. That way you had time to go to church and eat lunch with Matt or whomever. I didn't want to interrupt your Sunday schedule. You told me initially that you didn't have plans and that sounded like a good idea. So, when I'm on my way to eat with Todd and you tell me that you are headed to the lake I didn't know how to respond. What was I supposed to say? I hadn't been home all weekend. I didn't want to get home late. You didn't give me a time of when you would be back. I felt pushed aside. Yes, we are all busy. Yes we all have separate lives. But, that was one more time that I got pushed aside for someone else. It's a constant. Always busy. With other people. Too busy for me. Mad and upset was a long time ago. I'm over that. I just keep looking for it to change.

That is the common thread today. Not being mad or upset because someone doesn't put me where I want to be in their lives. I'm trying to figure out where I want to fit within the boundaries they are giving me or if I even fit at all.

Suntan lines...

I just experienced the weirdest weekend. It seemed as if anything that could happen, did. I ranged from crawfish to lingerie. Learning of someone's secret shopping to getting the door slammed in my face (again). I'm not even sure where to start so I'll start from the beginning.

Friday night Ev and I went and met Brian and Allison downtown. I finally got to meet her! She's just as lovely as she can be. There were the awkward moments but, I managed to um...get through them. I apparently left one hell of a voice message. To have been a fly on the wall in that bathroom!

Saturday was like the roller coaster ride in Jersey. Fun, then you get come to a screeching halt. You sit there. Stunned, terrified and then you are off again. Only wishing you had gotten off when you had the chance. I went to Mika's lingerie shower and sat next to my future mother in law. Enough said.

Then I went and sat outside and ate a ton of crawfish! This was the good part. Only until I got back to mom's to change for the party that night and realized I had burnt the crap out of myself! I'm still red and purple today! Oh, but that's not it. When we were putting me in the dress....the zipper broke. Thirty minutes before I'm supposed to meet Bre. I ended up borrowing one of Bre's dresses. Sunburn and all.

The party was a typical bachelorette party. Yet, somehow at the end of the night I was in awe. The older women were way more wild than us young folks and I was learning wayyyyy to much! Needless to say when my head hit the pillow that night, I was out cold. It had been a very long and exhausting day!

Sunday was nice. I got to go to church and see my brother. I ended up going home earlier than expected but, well....I have nothing to say to that. I may lock that proverbial door. I made it home and Evan and I did boring couple stuff (laundry, doggie baths) but, it was nice after the weekend I had just experienced. Of course, when I got home initally I was ready for a fight but, thank goodness he just rolls with me realizing that I will come out of the funk. Man, you gotta love that man. He's perfect. And shopping!

Now, I just have to survive this week and next week I'm in Jonesboogie with the girls!

Introducing PuggleBerry Fin. He's almost eight weeks old. He's exactly what my house needed. So much so that I even came home to Evan in a good mood! They'd played outside all day! After Ella, my life was dim. After Cody, our house was no longer a home. We were all sad and mopey. Yesterday, there was laughter and fun...and LOVE. We enjoyed being together and spending time away from the TV. I even made dinner! So, Mr. 2008....you don't win. I am going to beat you. I am going to have a good year. And yes, there are some tough moments ahead but, because I have the bestest friends and family standing behind me we will prevail. So ha!

For my babies.

For just a moment
I’m sure I saw a flicker of light ahead.
Perhaps it was your smile.
Though past now,
remembered,
in my heart
like the small sound
of a butterfly passing by.
No night is so dark
that can not be brightened
with memories of you.
Raindrops carry along
your blessings from heaven
to wash away my tears
and bring me hope anew.

Rarely do I write. Usually it is great upheaval that causes the words to flow. These came out last night. I miss Ella and Cody so much. They are the first things I think about when I wake up and the last thing I see before I drift off at night. Lately they have even been in my dreams. Maybe these are the words I've been searching for and now I can have some peace.

I'm officially boycotting the holidays...

First Christmas, now Easter. I can't do it anymore.

I was just beginning to feel somewhat normal and ok with the horrid christmas experience when thud, there I am swinging by my ankles because life happened again.

Saturday, Evan and I went to Hot Springs and had a nice day with friends. We left around three-thirty and got home around ten fifteen or so. Here's the moment where I quit being okay. I opened the backdoor to let Brody in and there he was in all his glory. He came in and started to eat but, no one came with him. My babies weren't there. I didn't panic at first. They were probably in the dog house. Nope not there. I don't know why but, I walked over to the gate at the fence and lets just say I woke up the neighbor. The lock had been opened and they were gone. My babies who weigh no more than ten pounds are gone. Into the night. I'm hysterical. I really have woken up the neighbor who is out helping us look for them. I'm driving, crying. I get home Evan takes off with Brody on foot. I call the police trying to figure out who I am supposed to really talk to and an officer says he is on his way. I was that panicked. I'm sitting at the house waiting on word in case one of them comes home and in walks Ev. He's holding my baby girl. She's safe. Some angels took her in and kept her from harm for me. We looked for two hours and wore ourselves out. Evan finally convinced me to lay down after leaving all of the lights on, the garage door open and some food out for Cody.

Sunday morning we look. Still no sign of him. I'm convinced that someone has him and is keeping him safe. I know that since it is Easter everyone is going to be at church so going door to door isn't going to do me any good. I decided to go to church and have my time with God. I sat through the entire service pleading with him. Afterwards me, Mom, Dad and Cooper head back to Benton. We made fliers and took off. We had split up to cover more ground when I hear my dad hollering for my mom. My heart sank. I turned around and there was my baby. He'd been hit by a car. A wonderful family had gotten him and held him for me. I had found my baby and it was going to tear me apart. I took him home and cleaned him up. I got him a shirt and his toys and we laid him to rest with Ella. I wouldn't have it any other way.

He was my boy. He was such a momma's boy. People have told us that they saw him playing in the pond, swimming with the ducks and just on a grand pug adventure. It brings some ease to the pain but, not much. I'll never understand how someone could hit him and leave. In a neighborhood where you can't drive over thirty. They could have stopped. They could have swerved. Someone could have saved my baby. I know that I am supposed to be grateful that I have Maggie and Brody. And believe me I am. I would not be able to get out of bed if we had lost them all. But, to lose my Codes after such a tramatic experience with Ella, I'm not sure how to feel. I feel very raw and exposed. I feel like I have just split down the center. This one I can't wrap my head around. This one I can't make sense of.

In literally three months we went from a family of six to four. My original crew is now just me and Mags. That reality is eating away at me.

Evan has been so good. He knows the pain. He's trying to help me. Yet, this morning happened.

Honestly, from the bottom of my heart I know it isn't true. But, I also was sitting on a ledge. And white lace pushed me. I knew that it wouldn't take much but, I also knew that I was about to fall. I fell. Hard. So hard that I can't even cry. I just feel even more empty because I could lose Evan. Just yesterday I told him that I needed him to always be there. What if he's not? What if it really is just me and Maggie? Can I do this again? I honestly don't know. I don't know how to get around this one. I don't know how to be the strong independent woman who can survive anything. I think my raft has sprung a leak and I'm going to drown in the Colorado River. The rapids have punctured the life raft......

The Mongolian Death Flu

Oh my. It's back. With more fury than I've ever known.

I've ran a fever since Saturday. I've been in bed since Sunday. I've been miserable since Friday.

I came to work today because my boss apparently has no sympathy. However, I am finishing up what is on my desk and I am going home. Nothing sounds better than crawling back into bed. NOTHING.

I am alive (barely). Apparently in my illness I have missed a ton. I vaguely remember the convos over the last few days but, there were engagements, marriages, deadlines and rings galore. I just slept through it all I guess.

Ugh...gonna go finish so I can go home.

Snow Days

It's snowing in Arkansas in March! Really what is up with the weather these days! We had tornadoes on Monday, Snow on Tuesday, sleet yesterday and heavy snow today. Good gracious!

I started my women's bible study last night. "Living Beyond Yourself" I really really like last night. I could already recognize what I do when things seem out of my reach. I don't strain. I don't push myself. I just quit. How many times have I said "I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of pushing. I'm tired of putting so much effort into something that I get nothing out of?" I've done with romantic relationships, friendships, and even relationships within my family. Well, I'm going to go back to pushing my boundaries. Even though I don't think I can do it, God knows I can. He knows that the greatest things come with effort and a little blood, sweat and tears. So here's my goal....

1. Have patience with Evan. In all things big and small. God knows what my heart wants and if it is meant to be he will bring me my sparkle and my happy ever after.
2. Work on things with Emily. Even though I feel like I have been pushed out, I must push myself back in.
3. Push myself back into Courtney's life as well. We have come to far and too long to lose it now.
4. Push myself to not want an apology and a conversation to make things better with my brother. He's my brother no matter what.

As I sit here watching the snow fall I feel peace yet fear. What if Emily doesn't want me back in? What if things with Evan don't work out? What if Todd never wants to come home and be a family again? Here is me pushing myself out of the tomb of self denial and pushing myself into his glory and into his light. I feel like I'm pushing one of the rocks from stonehenge and at any minute it will tumble down on top of me and I will perish but, at least no one will be able to say I wasn't actively living and loving.

If you see me red faced and out of breath it's because on top of my running habit I'm not an active pusher in my own life. I've learned to stand up and not be the door mat. Know I have to learn to push the door wide open.

I found this....

Friendships are good for us,
contributing to our sense of selfworth.
They make our lives fun
and more meaningful. Having
someone to share successes, failures,
hopes, and dreams with is a
precious thing. But like every relationship,
friendships can change.
Not all of them are meant to last.
As we grow older, our attitudes,
beliefs, behaviors, and interests
change. This can have an impact
on our relationships with friends.
Two people who were close in high
school may grow apart if one goes
to college and the other marries
and starts a family. Neighborhood
friends may drift apart when one
family moves to another state.
Co-workers who are close friends
may suddenly find they have little
in common when one takes a
different job.
Short-Term and Long-Term
Friendships
There are two general types of
friendships: long-term and shortterm.
Long-term friends are those
that we have known a very long
time and with whom we have
shared a lifetime’s worth of memories.
Life changes (such as marriages,
divorces, health problems,
or retirement) rarely have any
impact on long-term friendships.
Short-term friendships, on the
other hand, often develop as a
result of everyday life events.
Neighbors, workout partners, book
club buddies, or the fellow parents
with whom you watch your child’s
soccer game are some good examples
of people who may fall into
the short-term friendship category.
These friendships generally do not
last forever. They serve a purpose
at a specific time in your life.
When to End a Friendship
Some friendships, like the shortterm
ones, will dissolve as life
changes. When the pottery class or
the softball season ends, chances
are the friendships made in those
situations won’t continue. You had
something in common with that
person for a time, but now those
circumstances have ended and the
odds are that you will both move
on to other things.
Other friendships don’t end as
easily. Whether short-term or longterm,
troubled friendships may
reach a point where they have to
be dissolved. If you are spending
valuable time on a relationship
that is unhealthy or that doesn’t
add to your life, you could be
sacrificing your emotional health
and happiness. Signs that it is
time to end a friendship include:
• Gradual distancing. You
may not have as much fun
with the person as you once
did and each of you may begin
to pull away from the other.
• High maintenance
behavior. Spending time
with a certain person may
require a lot of effort —
perhaps more than you
are comfortable giving.
• Betrayal. Your friend may
have hurt you once, or do so
repeatedly or in a deliberate
manner.
Ways to End a Friendship
Ending a friendship is not easy.
Most people want to avoid conflict
and don’t want to hurt the feelings
of someone they once cared about.
Because of this, many people
stay in unhealthy friendships
and sacrifice their own happiness.
As with most relationships, being
in a friendship that is hurtful or
in which you don’t feel supported
can lead to stress and feelings of
low self-esteem.
If you feel it’s necessary to
end a friendship, there are two
approaches that you can take:
• Directly. While this is the
most effective approach, it’s
not easy. If conflict is involved,
being assertive is an honest
approach because it lets both
people know where they stand.
If you choose this method, do
not accuse or blame the other
person. State your position
clearly and calmly by using “I”
statements, such as “I feel . . .”
or “I think it would be best
if . . .” This gives you a
better chance of ending the
friendship on a positive note.
• Indirectly. Simply letting
a relationship die by not
phoning as frequently or
agreeing to meet as often is a
method that some people use
to withdraw gracefully from
a friendship. Being less active
in the friendship creates emotional
and physical distance.
This can be particularly
effective when a person needs
some breathing space but has
not yet decided to end the
friendship for good. The downside
to this method is that it
may create confusion in the
friend, who may not understand
or agree with the decision
to create some distance.
Ending a friendship is never an
easy decision. It should only be
done after you have decided that
your relationship cannot be saved
and that you are better off without
that person in your life. If you
have doubts later on, it may be
worthwhile to remind yourself
of the long-term consequences of
staying in an unhealthy situation.
Remember that you are making
room in your life for more
positive
and nurturing people.

When is enough, enough?

When is the point that you just save whatever dignity you have left and just bow out gracefully...or in my case without falling over? When do you know when the time has come to just walk away?

I'm torn. I've been torn.

Yesterday, I surrounded myself with four other women and we had a blast. There was no drama. We talked and giggled about everything but, drama. It was wonderful. I don't get that very often.

I'm in an impossible situation. No matter what they say, I'm stuck in the middle of two of the very best people. But, here's the catch. One is still present in my life. One realizes that I'm having my own heartaches and mini battles while the other seemingly doesn't notice my absence that she created. I've tried. Lord knows I've tried.

I've invited to meet up. To do fun normal things. Instead I get blown off or accused of ambushing. That isn't fair. But, what is even worse is that now I'm worried about her. I'm worried about her stability and mental health. I of all people know that you can only hold so much inside for so long without it having some kind of effect on how you see the world.

I know it is pointless to fight for a relationship that the other half isn't willing to fight for. I know this. I learned this lesson. Yet, I still find myself defending, wanting to talk to, wanting to see...and still I get nothing in return.

I deserve better than nothing. I deserve and true friend who is there for me every step of the way. Yes, we all have our own lives but, friendships are supposed to enrich those lives. I'd hardly call arguing, blaming, and definitely not forgiving enrichment.

I've come undone

I knew it was coming. I could feel it bubbling. I just didn't know what would set off the eruption. Apparently, absolutely nothing. I literally went from fine to definitely not fine in .3 seconds. Everything that has been bottled up since December 26 came out. All of the hurt, anger, sadness, grief, guilt....it all came out.

My life stopped the day after christmas. I've pretended to be okay. I've pretended that I'm the person that gets over it. I've pretended....

I'm not pretending anymore. I lost her. I lost a part of myself. I don't look forward to much because I expect the hurt and the disappointment. I have showered the others with so much love. I have focused solely on Lee. I let Maggie get away with anything. And yet, still I hurt. Still I feel this amazing grief over something that wasn't ever really mine. She was an angel. She's at home yet, she's not with me. My home doesn't feel, sound, smell...well, it isn't the same.

I know that a new puppy will not replace her. I don't want to replace her. I just want a new beginning. I want to be able to look forward to going home. I'm ready to start looking ahead and not behind. It would appear as though there are very few in my life who truely understand this. Poor Evan. I know he didn't. However, after the other night I think he may have gotten a glimpse of what I've been going through.

Today is the day for love. Lee said it's the new 2008. I'll try it with her.....not sure how it will work but, I'll try. Apparently with Lee, I'll try anything. Even banging my head on a concrete wall. Or hitting myself with a hammer just to make sure that I can indeed still feel...even if it is pain.

Night of the Twisters...for real.

Let me just say it, I hate tornadoes. I hate storms period. They are my worst fear. And I live in tornado alley, so my fears are realized quite often.

Yesterday from five until eleven I was glued to my tv. I watched the powerful storms overtake our state and watched as lives were forever changed. My heart goes out to those in Atkins, Clinton and Gassville. As the sun dawns today, they are just beginning to realize the damage. The only time I left the news coverage was in the hour that I myself had to no power and no tv. I was in the bathroom with my pillows and blankets and dogs. We were all cuddled in the dark because I couldn't get through the house to find a flashlight. Of course, I was home alone when all of this was going on. Evan had to work so I had to rely on Mom, Lee and Amanda to get me through my fears and keep me calm. As I drove through the neighborhood this morning I realized how lucky we were. There were limbs down and I wouldn't be suprised to come home to some roofers. I know that ours took a pounding. My swing my not have survived and that makes me sad. Hopefully, it can be fixed. Ev is supposed to work on that today.

Once the danger had passed me and my power was restored, I was once again glued to the tv because the storms were now affecting others that I loved. While Lee had talked me through my crisis suddenly I was talking her through her own. Ryan was lost somewhere around Jackson when the tornado hit there and destroyed Union University. But, on top of that the black dot was bearing down on downtown Nashville. It was headed straight for Lee! It was a very long night!

I am happy to report that Ryan made it Nashville right after the first storm, Lee only slept in her closet one more time and everyone seems to have come out unscathed by mother nature.

It is nights like these that I wish I lived anywhere but in Tornado Alley.

I am praying for those of you who were severely impacted. God Bless...

The Monday Blues

Sure, every Monday has it's blues. But, here lately there have been way more blues than joys. Already 2008 has taken and hurt those that I love. My precious Lee has been through so much the last two years and she needs a break. She needs something miraculous. And that is not a helicopter landing in her backyard!

The last two weeks alone have rocked my world. I thought that I had this thing we call a life figured out. I had settled into a groove and I thought I knew who I could depend on and who would always be there. And then life really happened.

My baby, my precious Ella got sick. And within 24 hours I went from having four babies and not a worry, to three and this overwhelming pain. There are moments still, where I just ache for her. I feel like there is this hole and all of this emotion that used to be there just for her is just this rock in the bottom of my stomach. I don't have the correct words to describe it but, there are moments that come completely out of nowhere, will take me back to the day I last had her. To that moment where she leaned her beautiful head in my hands gave me one last kiss and then she was gone. That moment tears at my soul.

And now, apparently 2008 has decided to test us once again. An angel earned her wings. She is free from the cancer and happily dancing and drinking her margarita's. However, she left behind another angel. One who is seemingly lost without her mother. An angel that was brought into my life by what one could only describe as my life. We are so much of the same person, there are moments when it freaks us both out. Let alone those who aren't privy to "our" world. No one seems to understand us like we do. That is both a blessing and dangerous thought. We know that there will always be at least one person on our side, however, we both know that there are moments when we simply have to step back.

It's hard to believe that it's only been two years and already I can tell you what she's thinking before she thinks it. We've already been through the worst of the worst and the best of the best. Yet still, in the short month that 2008 has been there has been no denying our bond. From our matching shirts, to our matching cups, to our matching broken hearts we are quite the duo. Slowly but surely, we are walking side by side down the rough, crappy, stinky road of 2008 at the moment. I won't say life because it's got to get better...right! Yea, I know. In my world, things can always get worse.

I just hope, just for right now...that they don't. That I get my so dearly needed puppy, Lee finds the peace, Donna watches both of us, and the missing part of our trio finds her way back. After all, I am Gigi, She is Jez and we are aimlessly meandering with our peanut.