I knew it was coming. I could feel it bubbling. I just didn't know what would set off the eruption. Apparently, absolutely nothing. I literally went from fine to definitely not fine in .3 seconds. Everything that has been bottled up since December 26 came out. All of the hurt, anger, sadness, grief, guilt....it all came out.
My life stopped the day after christmas. I've pretended to be okay. I've pretended that I'm the person that gets over it. I've pretended....
I'm not pretending anymore. I lost her. I lost a part of myself. I don't look forward to much because I expect the hurt and the disappointment. I have showered the others with so much love. I have focused solely on Lee. I let Maggie get away with anything. And yet, still I hurt. Still I feel this amazing grief over something that wasn't ever really mine. She was an angel. She's at home yet, she's not with me. My home doesn't feel, sound, smell...well, it isn't the same.
I know that a new puppy will not replace her. I don't want to replace her. I just want a new beginning. I want to be able to look forward to going home. I'm ready to start looking ahead and not behind. It would appear as though there are very few in my life who truely understand this. Poor Evan. I know he didn't. However, after the other night I think he may have gotten a glimpse of what I've been going through.
Today is the day for love. Lee said it's the new 2008. I'll try it with her.....not sure how it will work but, I'll try. Apparently with Lee, I'll try anything. Even banging my head on a concrete wall. Or hitting myself with a hammer just to make sure that I can indeed still feel...even if it is pain.
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