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Friendships are good for us,
contributing to our sense of selfworth.
They make our lives fun
and more meaningful. Having
someone to share successes, failures,
hopes, and dreams with is a
precious thing. But like every relationship,
friendships can change.
Not all of them are meant to last.
As we grow older, our attitudes,
beliefs, behaviors, and interests
change. This can have an impact
on our relationships with friends.
Two people who were close in high
school may grow apart if one goes
to college and the other marries
and starts a family. Neighborhood
friends may drift apart when one
family moves to another state.
Co-workers who are close friends
may suddenly find they have little
in common when one takes a
different job.
Short-Term and Long-Term
Friendships
There are two general types of
friendships: long-term and shortterm.
Long-term friends are those
that we have known a very long
time and with whom we have
shared a lifetime’s worth of memories.
Life changes (such as marriages,
divorces, health problems,
or retirement) rarely have any
impact on long-term friendships.
Short-term friendships, on the
other hand, often develop as a
result of everyday life events.
Neighbors, workout partners, book
club buddies, or the fellow parents
with whom you watch your child’s
soccer game are some good examples
of people who may fall into
the short-term friendship category.
These friendships generally do not
last forever. They serve a purpose
at a specific time in your life.
When to End a Friendship
Some friendships, like the shortterm
ones, will dissolve as life
changes. When the pottery class or
the softball season ends, chances
are the friendships made in those
situations won’t continue. You had
something in common with that
person for a time, but now those
circumstances have ended and the
odds are that you will both move
on to other things.
Other friendships don’t end as
easily. Whether short-term or longterm,
troubled friendships may
reach a point where they have to
be dissolved. If you are spending
valuable time on a relationship
that is unhealthy or that doesn’t
add to your life, you could be
sacrificing your emotional health
and happiness. Signs that it is
time to end a friendship include:
• Gradual distancing. You
may not have as much fun
with the person as you once
did and each of you may begin
to pull away from the other.
• High maintenance
behavior. Spending time
with a certain person may
require a lot of effort —
perhaps more than you
are comfortable giving.
• Betrayal. Your friend may
have hurt you once, or do so
repeatedly or in a deliberate
manner.
Ways to End a Friendship
Ending a friendship is not easy.
Most people want to avoid conflict
and don’t want to hurt the feelings
of someone they once cared about.
Because of this, many people
stay in unhealthy friendships
and sacrifice their own happiness.
As with most relationships, being
in a friendship that is hurtful or
in which you don’t feel supported
can lead to stress and feelings of
low self-esteem.
If you feel it’s necessary to
end a friendship, there are two
approaches that you can take:
• Directly. While this is the
most effective approach, it’s
not easy. If conflict is involved,
being assertive is an honest
approach because it lets both
people know where they stand.
If you choose this method, do
not accuse or blame the other
person. State your position
clearly and calmly by using “I”
statements, such as “I feel . . .”
or “I think it would be best
if . . .” This gives you a
better chance of ending the
friendship on a positive note.
• Indirectly. Simply letting
a relationship die by not
phoning as frequently or
agreeing to meet as often is a
method that some people use
to withdraw gracefully from
a friendship. Being less active
in the friendship creates emotional
and physical distance.
This can be particularly
effective when a person needs
some breathing space but has
not yet decided to end the
friendship for good. The downside
to this method is that it
may create confusion in the
friend, who may not understand
or agree with the decision
to create some distance.
Ending a friendship is never an
easy decision. It should only be
done after you have decided that
your relationship cannot be saved
and that you are better off without
that person in your life. If you
have doubts later on, it may be
worthwhile to remind yourself
of the long-term consequences of
staying in an unhealthy situation.
Remember that you are making
room in your life for more
positive
and nurturing people.