Since August?

Has it really been that long? Jeez. You'd think I'd been busy or something!

Well, it's into November now and I have never been more ready for a year to be over. It has been a loooong one. There has just been too much for me to handle this year. Somehow I think (maybe, possibly) I might actually survive all of the losses and never ending hospital time. I even manged to land myself in one! Good gracious.

The plus side of 2008 has been Evan. Without a doubt. I wouldn't have made it through without him. And the week we spent in the hospital did nothing but, strengthen us. I say we because he rarely left my side. He was a constant in a place that he hates. He held my hand while I slept, fetched my whatever I needed and slept in a most uncomfortable chair.

We've finally got it right. Wow. Finally after all these years and after all of the issues that MM brought into my life, I've gotten it right. I can see my future in Evan's eyes. It's an amazing sight. And what's even more amazing is others can see it too. Mom, Dad, Staci and all of our friends finally see it too.

We've got 20 more days of November and December and then it's that new beginning. It's the new year and a time of change and letting go. It's a time to remember and learn and hopefully, start planning one kick-a party for the fall of 2009.

I hope to be able to look back on this year and remember the love that was felt even on the worst of days. I want to be able to look back on certain days and not see the tears or the heartache but, instead see who was standing with me on those days. Or, who I was standing with. It's been a hard year on more than just me. On her, it's been the hardest ever. I only hope that when she looks back she sees the love that surrounds her and can feel the flutter of the wings.

Red Letter Day

Yesterday was a day of testing. It tested my mental well-being, my endurance, my faith.

It started out like everyday. I got dressed and drove to work. The Neon has been shaking a bit so I've been worried about her but, I thought I need to get her balanced and rotated. I was planning to do it this weekend. Well, I got to work all dressed up and started the trek to the office. I made it to the stairwell and missed the very first step. I tumbled down the flight of stairs. Being the seasoned klutz that I am I knew to just let it happen and not fight it. I walked away without a scratch. I'm sure there will be bruises and I already ache but, I came out pretty much unscathed. Until I looked at the cute dress I had on. I had split the seam. Really split it. Not even safety pins would've saved me. So, I drove back to Benton and changed. Put on yet, another cute dress and headed back to Little Rock. I made it three exits before the Neon started shuddering (that's only word I know to describe it). I sensed a blow out was imminent so I pulled over on the side of I-30. Scary. And there I sat waiting on someone to come rescue me. I could have changed the tire I'm sure but, I wasn't wanting to ruin yet another dress for the day! Finally Ev, was able to leave and Dad was right behind him. We got it changed, got a new tire at good ole Wally World and I got to have dinner with my two favorite men. There was a bright and shiny in the day. Clearly, the disasters still haven't tested my optimism!

I survived the rest of the day and ended up having a good night with Ev. We cooked together and watched a movie. Now, I just have to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow. Dad is have back surgery. I could really use all those prayers in the morning. It's going to be so hard to let them take him back there. This is a big surgery. They are messing with important stuff! This is my Daddy. I'll need comfort, peace, and safe prayers tomorrow. I want my Dad to feel better. I need him to feel better. That way I can feel better!

Grace and Faith

Two words that will forever have completely different meanings for our small circle. They will be forever associated with God's love and hope. We may not understand all of his choices but, we have to believe that he knows what he is doing. He is guiding us down the path.

August 13, 2008 will forever be remembered. It will be the day we met Grace and Faith. It will also be the day that we learned we didn't lose Faith. We will never lose Faith. We may not be able to see or hear but, it's like the wind. We can always feel it. Faith will always be a part of us. The constant reminder of God's perfection. We will meet again.

Grace sounds like a gentle nature. When in reality it is fighting. It's of immeasurable strength and epitomizes his glory.

Grace and Faith
8/13/2008

One of those moments...

I've come to the point that the moments of anger and the desire to physically cause Michael harm are few and far between. Yet, when I see him setting a trap for someone else, they flare up. Big time. People are starting to take notice that he has set his eyes on a much much younger, innocent, naive one. She's just what he wanted me and Lee to be, only we weren't. She seems to idolize him. She thinks he will take care of her. She thinks her life just got better. Her life just veered of the road and is careening out of control. He took her to New York. NEW YORK. Can't he think of something original?

I made a list of just a few of the similarities...

. 1. He seriously took her down the history of his previous relationships.
2. TrailerPark Restraunt....hmmm, I went there. He took the drunken one there....
3. Jeff is her new gay best friend...hmmmmm...(that's odd considering I was the female version of Jeff.)
4. The Barking Dog. Maggie's favorite place to go.
5. The "famous" bridge. Do you think she knows just how famous?
6. Korea Way...I nearly choked. We took Corey there.
7. Grand Central. Not even going to touch the fact that we met there.
8. Summer's Apt....this is where I moved after Tara left and this is where Lee came to visit.
9. Black and White Cookie....Very first thing we did when I got off the plane that summer
10. Serendipity...We took mom there. We took everyone there.

He truly sucks. Truly. And S looks horrid.

Oh, my blood is boiling.

Race for the Cure 2008

Dear Friends and Family,

I recently accepted the challenge to raise funds to save a life by joining the Because I Care(TM) fundraising program for the Susan G. Komen Arkansas Race for the Cure®. I want to help in the fight against breast cancer.

One in eight women will be stricken with breast cancer in her lifetime. In Arkansas, a mammogram costs an estimated $150. By helping me raise that amount you can help me save a life. The more we raise, the more the Arkansas Affiliate can give back to fund vital breast cancer education, screening and treatment programs in our own community and support the national search for a cure. Click here to visit my personal page and pledge your support.Please join me in my effort to save a life. Your generous tax-deductible contribution will fund innovative outreach and awareness programs for medically underserved communities in Arkansas and national breast cancer research. It is faster and easier than ever to support this great cause - you can make a donation online by simply clicking on the link provided in this message. Whatever you can give will help!

I truly appreciate your support and will keep you posted on my progress.Thank you so much for your time and support in the fight against breast cancer! This year's race chair is volunteering her time in honor of her three small daughters. That is why -- This one's for the Girls!!!

Sincerely,Tara Dedmon

To sponsor my participation online, http://race.komenarkansas.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=1030&px=1271281

I've caught the bug..

All day I dream about colors, music, clear tents on the grounds of a plantation, flowers...

The fun and easy decisions that seem to be in my very near future. It seems that there will be difficult ones too. And what's so strange is it should be the easiest. Shouldn't a girl just instinctly know who she wants to support her? Shouldn't it be about having the people who love her the most being there. Not worrying about hurting others feelings. Not worrying about people letting her down? My mom told me I was a "friend person." I have tons of them. I'm just like that. Yet, I don't know how many of them I would trust on this day. A day that means so much. And that's when it really hits me. How many actually know what this day will mean to me? How many have known the struggle and the chances I have taken to get here.

It's crazy to think that I'm even thinking of it already but, I've been dreaming of it for so long and now that it's in the forseeable future...it's all becoming more and more real. How much I've grown, how I am, how my relationships have changed and how some are stronger, some are complete wonderful suprises and some are faltering. Does history overpower the present? Thankfully, I have awhile to discuss and overanalyze.

Meanwhile, I'll just go back to clear tents....

I immediately went to the thought..."what's wrong with me?"

Not because I wanted him now but, because he didn't want me then. It's a reoccuring them. An awful one. So I go to the only person who gets this and this is what she says.

It's like Season 3 of SATC. Big goes away to Paris and comes home with a new gf/fiance/very soon to be wife. And Carrie, who waited on him for 2 years, the guy who said he didn't want to get married, is left with the question "Why her? Why not me?"

Carrie felt like she had done all the hard word, "breaking in" Big for marriage so that the next woman who came along was the one who got him. Because she had somehow gotten him to the place.

Do you remember this episode. At the end she sees Big in the street and ask him. He didn't have an answer. But she finally had an answer for herself. This was the episode where she says: Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them.What Carrie realized is that maybe she didn't "break in" Big, but rather, she was the one who was unable to be broken in. He couldn't tame her, because of the kind of woman she was. She was not the plain pretty girl with obedient hair. She was not easy. Men want to be with women who are easy.

You, my dear Tara, are nothing of the sort. You are me, and I am you, and we are not tame, we cannot be broken in, and we will never be easy. We will simply be. And by that, I mean we will be who we are. We are intimidating because we are something different.

This is what I must remember. This is what we must remember. We are strong women. We are the type of women that our mothers wanted us to be. That's why they instilled in us such independence. We fight our own battles. We wear our scars with pride. We won't just sit back and watch you hurt us. We will find our own way. If that means that you don't want to come with us, that's your decision. We know that we are never truly alone. We have our angels and we have each other. Whether we are climbing mountains or mole hills...jumping or falling...swimming or sinking...staying or going, we are together. Surviving this crazy thing called our lives.