2008 gave me a split weekend. I was able to enjoy a wonderful wedding this weekend. It was a joy to spend with such dear friends and family. It was a beautiful wedding. One much needed to help me prepare for Sunday.
What a morning. Early up and back to Cabot. My car was at my mom's so we stopped by there to pick it up. It was here that she had the look and the sound in her voice. Something was very very wrong. In the most unexpected and worst way. Our Brandon was hurting. He had been hurting. We just didn't know it. He took his life on Saturday. Through the shock and the pain, I felt familiar feelings creeping up on me. The questions. Knowing that there aren't any answers. What can I do to possibly help with the pain? This is one that I can't do anything about. I still have too many questions from Matt to even begin to be able to heal with my family over Brandon.
He was such a beautiful boy. He was only a boy. He had so much to live for and that's where I'm lost. I used to keep he and his brother and sister when they were tiny things. He was that child. I'm just at a loss. For the first time in years, I saw Matt again. I havent' had the dream in forever and it shakes me to the core that there he was with Brandon. It shakes me to the core.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Hmph...
I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel I've been searching for is here. Only it didn't bring me the answers I was looking for. That's a strange feeling. I finally got some answers but, they weren't the ones that my heart wanted.
So, he's not ready. And he thinks I only am because everyone around me is actually doing it. But, here's the thing. I was ready long before Amanda's Vegas, his brother has been engaged nearly the entire time and Nana just started hers. Yes, there is also Amber and Brian this summer but, he's not even going to those with me. I was/am ready for myself. We've been living together for over a year. I'm ready.
Yet, he says he's not. What am I supposed to do with that? By now, that just sounds like an excuse or just further delaying what is never coming. Do I bow out gracefully? Do I stick it out and give myself a timeline? Do I become that girl that never really gets the guy? I took all of the stuff that I had been researching out of my purse this morning. I figured that was a good start to acceptance.
I don't feel okay today, however I'm not sure how to correctly describe what it is that I am feeling. I love him. I love him like I've loved no other. He is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the one who I trust. Who I let down my guard. Yet, I'm smart enough to realize that just because I feel that way doesn't mean that he does.
So, I show up at work. I put on my happy face and then I realize that the shit hadn't quite hit the fan just yet. Emily read my blog. But, more than that she took offense and actually responded. However, she put it out there like it was me. I'm not going to fight and toss words that in the end won't mean anything. But, just in case she reads it again...I did want you there Friday. That's why I asked. I didn't expect you to come to dinner. It was just me and Ev. I didn't know it was a couple thing because Courtney and Staci didn't show. I didn't know Matt wasn't coming and I certainly didn't know you were bringing your own entourage. I didn't know either of the girls with you. I didn't feel like you were actually there to be with me. I didn't get mad. I didn't get anything. I was too busy dealing with all of my other emotions that night. I was just glad that I got to see you.
Now, Sunday. In my mind, and I admit that the communication lines could've gotten crossed, but, in my mind it was always planned that I was going to church. Going to eat with Todd and then headed to Searcy. That way you had time to go to church and eat lunch with Matt or whomever. I didn't want to interrupt your Sunday schedule. You told me initially that you didn't have plans and that sounded like a good idea. So, when I'm on my way to eat with Todd and you tell me that you are headed to the lake I didn't know how to respond. What was I supposed to say? I hadn't been home all weekend. I didn't want to get home late. You didn't give me a time of when you would be back. I felt pushed aside. Yes, we are all busy. Yes we all have separate lives. But, that was one more time that I got pushed aside for someone else. It's a constant. Always busy. With other people. Too busy for me. Mad and upset was a long time ago. I'm over that. I just keep looking for it to change.
That is the common thread today. Not being mad or upset because someone doesn't put me where I want to be in their lives. I'm trying to figure out where I want to fit within the boundaries they are giving me or if I even fit at all.
So, he's not ready. And he thinks I only am because everyone around me is actually doing it. But, here's the thing. I was ready long before Amanda's Vegas, his brother has been engaged nearly the entire time and Nana just started hers. Yes, there is also Amber and Brian this summer but, he's not even going to those with me. I was/am ready for myself. We've been living together for over a year. I'm ready.
Yet, he says he's not. What am I supposed to do with that? By now, that just sounds like an excuse or just further delaying what is never coming. Do I bow out gracefully? Do I stick it out and give myself a timeline? Do I become that girl that never really gets the guy? I took all of the stuff that I had been researching out of my purse this morning. I figured that was a good start to acceptance.
I don't feel okay today, however I'm not sure how to correctly describe what it is that I am feeling. I love him. I love him like I've loved no other. He is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the one who I trust. Who I let down my guard. Yet, I'm smart enough to realize that just because I feel that way doesn't mean that he does.
So, I show up at work. I put on my happy face and then I realize that the shit hadn't quite hit the fan just yet. Emily read my blog. But, more than that she took offense and actually responded. However, she put it out there like it was me. I'm not going to fight and toss words that in the end won't mean anything. But, just in case she reads it again...I did want you there Friday. That's why I asked. I didn't expect you to come to dinner. It was just me and Ev. I didn't know it was a couple thing because Courtney and Staci didn't show. I didn't know Matt wasn't coming and I certainly didn't know you were bringing your own entourage. I didn't know either of the girls with you. I didn't feel like you were actually there to be with me. I didn't get mad. I didn't get anything. I was too busy dealing with all of my other emotions that night. I was just glad that I got to see you.
Now, Sunday. In my mind, and I admit that the communication lines could've gotten crossed, but, in my mind it was always planned that I was going to church. Going to eat with Todd and then headed to Searcy. That way you had time to go to church and eat lunch with Matt or whomever. I didn't want to interrupt your Sunday schedule. You told me initially that you didn't have plans and that sounded like a good idea. So, when I'm on my way to eat with Todd and you tell me that you are headed to the lake I didn't know how to respond. What was I supposed to say? I hadn't been home all weekend. I didn't want to get home late. You didn't give me a time of when you would be back. I felt pushed aside. Yes, we are all busy. Yes we all have separate lives. But, that was one more time that I got pushed aside for someone else. It's a constant. Always busy. With other people. Too busy for me. Mad and upset was a long time ago. I'm over that. I just keep looking for it to change.
That is the common thread today. Not being mad or upset because someone doesn't put me where I want to be in their lives. I'm trying to figure out where I want to fit within the boundaries they are giving me or if I even fit at all.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Suntan lines...
I just experienced the weirdest weekend. It seemed as if anything that could happen, did. I ranged from crawfish to lingerie. Learning of someone's secret shopping to getting the door slammed in my face (again). I'm not even sure where to start so I'll start from the beginning.
Friday night Ev and I went and met Brian and Allison downtown. I finally got to meet her! She's just as lovely as she can be. There were the awkward moments but, I managed to um...get through them. I apparently left one hell of a voice message. To have been a fly on the wall in that bathroom!
Saturday was like the roller coaster ride in Jersey. Fun, then you get come to a screeching halt. You sit there. Stunned, terrified and then you are off again. Only wishing you had gotten off when you had the chance. I went to Mika's lingerie shower and sat next to my future mother in law. Enough said.
Then I went and sat outside and ate a ton of crawfish! This was the good part. Only until I got back to mom's to change for the party that night and realized I had burnt the crap out of myself! I'm still red and purple today! Oh, but that's not it. When we were putting me in the dress....the zipper broke. Thirty minutes before I'm supposed to meet Bre. I ended up borrowing one of Bre's dresses. Sunburn and all.
The party was a typical bachelorette party. Yet, somehow at the end of the night I was in awe. The older women were way more wild than us young folks and I was learning wayyyyy to much! Needless to say when my head hit the pillow that night, I was out cold. It had been a very long and exhausting day!
Sunday was nice. I got to go to church and see my brother. I ended up going home earlier than expected but, well....I have nothing to say to that. I may lock that proverbial door. I made it home and Evan and I did boring couple stuff (laundry, doggie baths) but, it was nice after the weekend I had just experienced. Of course, when I got home initally I was ready for a fight but, thank goodness he just rolls with me realizing that I will come out of the funk. Man, you gotta love that man. He's perfect. And shopping!
Now, I just have to survive this week and next week I'm in Jonesboogie with the girls!
Friday night Ev and I went and met Brian and Allison downtown. I finally got to meet her! She's just as lovely as she can be. There were the awkward moments but, I managed to um...get through them. I apparently left one hell of a voice message. To have been a fly on the wall in that bathroom!
Saturday was like the roller coaster ride in Jersey. Fun, then you get come to a screeching halt. You sit there. Stunned, terrified and then you are off again. Only wishing you had gotten off when you had the chance. I went to Mika's lingerie shower and sat next to my future mother in law. Enough said.
Then I went and sat outside and ate a ton of crawfish! This was the good part. Only until I got back to mom's to change for the party that night and realized I had burnt the crap out of myself! I'm still red and purple today! Oh, but that's not it. When we were putting me in the dress....the zipper broke. Thirty minutes before I'm supposed to meet Bre. I ended up borrowing one of Bre's dresses. Sunburn and all.
The party was a typical bachelorette party. Yet, somehow at the end of the night I was in awe. The older women were way more wild than us young folks and I was learning wayyyyy to much! Needless to say when my head hit the pillow that night, I was out cold. It had been a very long and exhausting day!
Sunday was nice. I got to go to church and see my brother. I ended up going home earlier than expected but, well....I have nothing to say to that. I may lock that proverbial door. I made it home and Evan and I did boring couple stuff (laundry, doggie baths) but, it was nice after the weekend I had just experienced. Of course, when I got home initally I was ready for a fight but, thank goodness he just rolls with me realizing that I will come out of the funk. Man, you gotta love that man. He's perfect. And shopping!
Now, I just have to survive this week and next week I'm in Jonesboogie with the girls!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Introducing PuggleBerry Fin. He's almost eight weeks old. He's exactly what my house needed. So much so that I even came home to Evan in a good mood! They'd played outside all day! After Ella, my life was dim. After Cody, our house was no longer a home. We were all sad and mopey. Yesterday, there was laughter and fun...and LOVE. We enjoyed being together and spending time away from the TV. I even made dinner! So, Mr. 2008....you don't win. I am going to beat you. I am going to have a good year. And yes, there are some tough moments ahead but, because I have the bestest friends and family standing behind me we will prevail. So ha!Tuesday, April 1, 2008
For my babies.
For just a moment
I’m sure I saw a flicker of light ahead.
Perhaps it was your smile.
Though past now,
remembered,
in my heart
like the small sound
of a butterfly passing by.
No night is so dark
that can not be brightened
with memories of you.
Raindrops carry along
your blessings from heaven
to wash away my tears
and bring me hope anew.
Rarely do I write. Usually it is great upheaval that causes the words to flow. These came out last night. I miss Ella and Cody so much. They are the first things I think about when I wake up and the last thing I see before I drift off at night. Lately they have even been in my dreams. Maybe these are the words I've been searching for and now I can have some peace.
I’m sure I saw a flicker of light ahead.
Perhaps it was your smile.
Though past now,
remembered,
in my heart
like the small sound
of a butterfly passing by.
No night is so dark
that can not be brightened
with memories of you.
Raindrops carry along
your blessings from heaven
to wash away my tears
and bring me hope anew.
Rarely do I write. Usually it is great upheaval that causes the words to flow. These came out last night. I miss Ella and Cody so much. They are the first things I think about when I wake up and the last thing I see before I drift off at night. Lately they have even been in my dreams. Maybe these are the words I've been searching for and now I can have some peace.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I'm officially boycotting the holidays...
First Christmas, now Easter. I can't do it anymore.
I was just beginning to feel somewhat normal and ok with the horrid christmas experience when thud, there I am swinging by my ankles because life happened again.
Saturday, Evan and I went to Hot Springs and had a nice day with friends. We left around three-thirty and got home around ten fifteen or so. Here's the moment where I quit being okay. I opened the backdoor to let Brody in and there he was in all his glory. He came in and started to eat but, no one came with him. My babies weren't there. I didn't panic at first. They were probably in the dog house. Nope not there. I don't know why but, I walked over to the gate at the fence and lets just say I woke up the neighbor. The lock had been opened and they were gone. My babies who weigh no more than ten pounds are gone. Into the night. I'm hysterical. I really have woken up the neighbor who is out helping us look for them. I'm driving, crying. I get home Evan takes off with Brody on foot. I call the police trying to figure out who I am supposed to really talk to and an officer says he is on his way. I was that panicked. I'm sitting at the house waiting on word in case one of them comes home and in walks Ev. He's holding my baby girl. She's safe. Some angels took her in and kept her from harm for me. We looked for two hours and wore ourselves out. Evan finally convinced me to lay down after leaving all of the lights on, the garage door open and some food out for Cody.
Sunday morning we look. Still no sign of him. I'm convinced that someone has him and is keeping him safe. I know that since it is Easter everyone is going to be at church so going door to door isn't going to do me any good. I decided to go to church and have my time with God. I sat through the entire service pleading with him. Afterwards me, Mom, Dad and Cooper head back to Benton. We made fliers and took off. We had split up to cover more ground when I hear my dad hollering for my mom. My heart sank. I turned around and there was my baby. He'd been hit by a car. A wonderful family had gotten him and held him for me. I had found my baby and it was going to tear me apart. I took him home and cleaned him up. I got him a shirt and his toys and we laid him to rest with Ella. I wouldn't have it any other way.
He was my boy. He was such a momma's boy. People have told us that they saw him playing in the pond, swimming with the ducks and just on a grand pug adventure. It brings some ease to the pain but, not much. I'll never understand how someone could hit him and leave. In a neighborhood where you can't drive over thirty. They could have stopped. They could have swerved. Someone could have saved my baby. I know that I am supposed to be grateful that I have Maggie and Brody. And believe me I am. I would not be able to get out of bed if we had lost them all. But, to lose my Codes after such a tramatic experience with Ella, I'm not sure how to feel. I feel very raw and exposed. I feel like I have just split down the center. This one I can't wrap my head around. This one I can't make sense of.
In literally three months we went from a family of six to four. My original crew is now just me and Mags. That reality is eating away at me.
Evan has been so good. He knows the pain. He's trying to help me. Yet, this morning happened.
Honestly, from the bottom of my heart I know it isn't true. But, I also was sitting on a ledge. And white lace pushed me. I knew that it wouldn't take much but, I also knew that I was about to fall. I fell. Hard. So hard that I can't even cry. I just feel even more empty because I could lose Evan. Just yesterday I told him that I needed him to always be there. What if he's not? What if it really is just me and Maggie? Can I do this again? I honestly don't know. I don't know how to get around this one. I don't know how to be the strong independent woman who can survive anything. I think my raft has sprung a leak and I'm going to drown in the Colorado River. The rapids have punctured the life raft......
I was just beginning to feel somewhat normal and ok with the horrid christmas experience when thud, there I am swinging by my ankles because life happened again.
Saturday, Evan and I went to Hot Springs and had a nice day with friends. We left around three-thirty and got home around ten fifteen or so. Here's the moment where I quit being okay. I opened the backdoor to let Brody in and there he was in all his glory. He came in and started to eat but, no one came with him. My babies weren't there. I didn't panic at first. They were probably in the dog house. Nope not there. I don't know why but, I walked over to the gate at the fence and lets just say I woke up the neighbor. The lock had been opened and they were gone. My babies who weigh no more than ten pounds are gone. Into the night. I'm hysterical. I really have woken up the neighbor who is out helping us look for them. I'm driving, crying. I get home Evan takes off with Brody on foot. I call the police trying to figure out who I am supposed to really talk to and an officer says he is on his way. I was that panicked. I'm sitting at the house waiting on word in case one of them comes home and in walks Ev. He's holding my baby girl. She's safe. Some angels took her in and kept her from harm for me. We looked for two hours and wore ourselves out. Evan finally convinced me to lay down after leaving all of the lights on, the garage door open and some food out for Cody.
Sunday morning we look. Still no sign of him. I'm convinced that someone has him and is keeping him safe. I know that since it is Easter everyone is going to be at church so going door to door isn't going to do me any good. I decided to go to church and have my time with God. I sat through the entire service pleading with him. Afterwards me, Mom, Dad and Cooper head back to Benton. We made fliers and took off. We had split up to cover more ground when I hear my dad hollering for my mom. My heart sank. I turned around and there was my baby. He'd been hit by a car. A wonderful family had gotten him and held him for me. I had found my baby and it was going to tear me apart. I took him home and cleaned him up. I got him a shirt and his toys and we laid him to rest with Ella. I wouldn't have it any other way.
He was my boy. He was such a momma's boy. People have told us that they saw him playing in the pond, swimming with the ducks and just on a grand pug adventure. It brings some ease to the pain but, not much. I'll never understand how someone could hit him and leave. In a neighborhood where you can't drive over thirty. They could have stopped. They could have swerved. Someone could have saved my baby. I know that I am supposed to be grateful that I have Maggie and Brody. And believe me I am. I would not be able to get out of bed if we had lost them all. But, to lose my Codes after such a tramatic experience with Ella, I'm not sure how to feel. I feel very raw and exposed. I feel like I have just split down the center. This one I can't wrap my head around. This one I can't make sense of.
In literally three months we went from a family of six to four. My original crew is now just me and Mags. That reality is eating away at me.
Evan has been so good. He knows the pain. He's trying to help me. Yet, this morning happened.
Honestly, from the bottom of my heart I know it isn't true. But, I also was sitting on a ledge. And white lace pushed me. I knew that it wouldn't take much but, I also knew that I was about to fall. I fell. Hard. So hard that I can't even cry. I just feel even more empty because I could lose Evan. Just yesterday I told him that I needed him to always be there. What if he's not? What if it really is just me and Maggie? Can I do this again? I honestly don't know. I don't know how to get around this one. I don't know how to be the strong independent woman who can survive anything. I think my raft has sprung a leak and I'm going to drown in the Colorado River. The rapids have punctured the life raft......
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
The Mongolian Death Flu
Oh my. It's back. With more fury than I've ever known.
I've ran a fever since Saturday. I've been in bed since Sunday. I've been miserable since Friday.
I came to work today because my boss apparently has no sympathy. However, I am finishing up what is on my desk and I am going home. Nothing sounds better than crawling back into bed. NOTHING.
I am alive (barely). Apparently in my illness I have missed a ton. I vaguely remember the convos over the last few days but, there were engagements, marriages, deadlines and rings galore. I just slept through it all I guess.
Ugh...gonna go finish so I can go home.
I've ran a fever since Saturday. I've been in bed since Sunday. I've been miserable since Friday.
I came to work today because my boss apparently has no sympathy. However, I am finishing up what is on my desk and I am going home. Nothing sounds better than crawling back into bed. NOTHING.
I am alive (barely). Apparently in my illness I have missed a ton. I vaguely remember the convos over the last few days but, there were engagements, marriages, deadlines and rings galore. I just slept through it all I guess.
Ugh...gonna go finish so I can go home.
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