I immediately went to the thought..."what's wrong with me?"
Not because I wanted him now but, because he didn't want me then. It's a reoccuring them. An awful one. So I go to the only person who gets this and this is what she says.
It's like Season 3 of SATC. Big goes away to Paris and comes home with a new gf/fiance/very soon to be wife. And Carrie, who waited on him for 2 years, the guy who said he didn't want to get married, is left with the question "Why her? Why not me?"
Carrie felt like she had done all the hard word, "breaking in" Big for marriage so that the next woman who came along was the one who got him. Because she had somehow gotten him to the place.
Do you remember this episode. At the end she sees Big in the street and ask him. He didn't have an answer. But she finally had an answer for herself. This was the episode where she says: Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them.What Carrie realized is that maybe she didn't "break in" Big, but rather, she was the one who was unable to be broken in. He couldn't tame her, because of the kind of woman she was. She was not the plain pretty girl with obedient hair. She was not easy. Men want to be with women who are easy.
You, my dear Tara, are nothing of the sort. You are me, and I am you, and we are not tame, we cannot be broken in, and we will never be easy. We will simply be. And by that, I mean we will be who we are. We are intimidating because we are something different.
This is what I must remember. This is what we must remember. We are strong women. We are the type of women that our mothers wanted us to be. That's why they instilled in us such independence. We fight our own battles. We wear our scars with pride. We won't just sit back and watch you hurt us. We will find our own way. If that means that you don't want to come with us, that's your decision. We know that we are never truly alone. We have our angels and we have each other. Whether we are climbing mountains or mole hills...jumping or falling...swimming or sinking...staying or going, we are together. Surviving this crazy thing called our lives.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Letting go is Love
Who knew that now would be the time to let go? A time when everything is so close to being right and I'm letting go of the one person who I always thought I would share it with. We've both moved on. We've both grown so apart. We've learned to love anew. We taught each other what love was so many years ago and now, we are loving others. It's so strange but, I guess that is how it works.
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short
Monday, May 5, 2008
With every beginning...there is an ending.
2008 gave me a split weekend. I was able to enjoy a wonderful wedding this weekend. It was a joy to spend with such dear friends and family. It was a beautiful wedding. One much needed to help me prepare for Sunday.
What a morning. Early up and back to Cabot. My car was at my mom's so we stopped by there to pick it up. It was here that she had the look and the sound in her voice. Something was very very wrong. In the most unexpected and worst way. Our Brandon was hurting. He had been hurting. We just didn't know it. He took his life on Saturday. Through the shock and the pain, I felt familiar feelings creeping up on me. The questions. Knowing that there aren't any answers. What can I do to possibly help with the pain? This is one that I can't do anything about. I still have too many questions from Matt to even begin to be able to heal with my family over Brandon.
He was such a beautiful boy. He was only a boy. He had so much to live for and that's where I'm lost. I used to keep he and his brother and sister when they were tiny things. He was that child. I'm just at a loss. For the first time in years, I saw Matt again. I havent' had the dream in forever and it shakes me to the core that there he was with Brandon. It shakes me to the core.
What a morning. Early up and back to Cabot. My car was at my mom's so we stopped by there to pick it up. It was here that she had the look and the sound in her voice. Something was very very wrong. In the most unexpected and worst way. Our Brandon was hurting. He had been hurting. We just didn't know it. He took his life on Saturday. Through the shock and the pain, I felt familiar feelings creeping up on me. The questions. Knowing that there aren't any answers. What can I do to possibly help with the pain? This is one that I can't do anything about. I still have too many questions from Matt to even begin to be able to heal with my family over Brandon.
He was such a beautiful boy. He was only a boy. He had so much to live for and that's where I'm lost. I used to keep he and his brother and sister when they were tiny things. He was that child. I'm just at a loss. For the first time in years, I saw Matt again. I havent' had the dream in forever and it shakes me to the core that there he was with Brandon. It shakes me to the core.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Hmph...
I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel I've been searching for is here. Only it didn't bring me the answers I was looking for. That's a strange feeling. I finally got some answers but, they weren't the ones that my heart wanted.
So, he's not ready. And he thinks I only am because everyone around me is actually doing it. But, here's the thing. I was ready long before Amanda's Vegas, his brother has been engaged nearly the entire time and Nana just started hers. Yes, there is also Amber and Brian this summer but, he's not even going to those with me. I was/am ready for myself. We've been living together for over a year. I'm ready.
Yet, he says he's not. What am I supposed to do with that? By now, that just sounds like an excuse or just further delaying what is never coming. Do I bow out gracefully? Do I stick it out and give myself a timeline? Do I become that girl that never really gets the guy? I took all of the stuff that I had been researching out of my purse this morning. I figured that was a good start to acceptance.
I don't feel okay today, however I'm not sure how to correctly describe what it is that I am feeling. I love him. I love him like I've loved no other. He is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the one who I trust. Who I let down my guard. Yet, I'm smart enough to realize that just because I feel that way doesn't mean that he does.
So, I show up at work. I put on my happy face and then I realize that the shit hadn't quite hit the fan just yet. Emily read my blog. But, more than that she took offense and actually responded. However, she put it out there like it was me. I'm not going to fight and toss words that in the end won't mean anything. But, just in case she reads it again...I did want you there Friday. That's why I asked. I didn't expect you to come to dinner. It was just me and Ev. I didn't know it was a couple thing because Courtney and Staci didn't show. I didn't know Matt wasn't coming and I certainly didn't know you were bringing your own entourage. I didn't know either of the girls with you. I didn't feel like you were actually there to be with me. I didn't get mad. I didn't get anything. I was too busy dealing with all of my other emotions that night. I was just glad that I got to see you.
Now, Sunday. In my mind, and I admit that the communication lines could've gotten crossed, but, in my mind it was always planned that I was going to church. Going to eat with Todd and then headed to Searcy. That way you had time to go to church and eat lunch with Matt or whomever. I didn't want to interrupt your Sunday schedule. You told me initially that you didn't have plans and that sounded like a good idea. So, when I'm on my way to eat with Todd and you tell me that you are headed to the lake I didn't know how to respond. What was I supposed to say? I hadn't been home all weekend. I didn't want to get home late. You didn't give me a time of when you would be back. I felt pushed aside. Yes, we are all busy. Yes we all have separate lives. But, that was one more time that I got pushed aside for someone else. It's a constant. Always busy. With other people. Too busy for me. Mad and upset was a long time ago. I'm over that. I just keep looking for it to change.
That is the common thread today. Not being mad or upset because someone doesn't put me where I want to be in their lives. I'm trying to figure out where I want to fit within the boundaries they are giving me or if I even fit at all.
So, he's not ready. And he thinks I only am because everyone around me is actually doing it. But, here's the thing. I was ready long before Amanda's Vegas, his brother has been engaged nearly the entire time and Nana just started hers. Yes, there is also Amber and Brian this summer but, he's not even going to those with me. I was/am ready for myself. We've been living together for over a year. I'm ready.
Yet, he says he's not. What am I supposed to do with that? By now, that just sounds like an excuse or just further delaying what is never coming. Do I bow out gracefully? Do I stick it out and give myself a timeline? Do I become that girl that never really gets the guy? I took all of the stuff that I had been researching out of my purse this morning. I figured that was a good start to acceptance.
I don't feel okay today, however I'm not sure how to correctly describe what it is that I am feeling. I love him. I love him like I've loved no other. He is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the one who I trust. Who I let down my guard. Yet, I'm smart enough to realize that just because I feel that way doesn't mean that he does.
So, I show up at work. I put on my happy face and then I realize that the shit hadn't quite hit the fan just yet. Emily read my blog. But, more than that she took offense and actually responded. However, she put it out there like it was me. I'm not going to fight and toss words that in the end won't mean anything. But, just in case she reads it again...I did want you there Friday. That's why I asked. I didn't expect you to come to dinner. It was just me and Ev. I didn't know it was a couple thing because Courtney and Staci didn't show. I didn't know Matt wasn't coming and I certainly didn't know you were bringing your own entourage. I didn't know either of the girls with you. I didn't feel like you were actually there to be with me. I didn't get mad. I didn't get anything. I was too busy dealing with all of my other emotions that night. I was just glad that I got to see you.
Now, Sunday. In my mind, and I admit that the communication lines could've gotten crossed, but, in my mind it was always planned that I was going to church. Going to eat with Todd and then headed to Searcy. That way you had time to go to church and eat lunch with Matt or whomever. I didn't want to interrupt your Sunday schedule. You told me initially that you didn't have plans and that sounded like a good idea. So, when I'm on my way to eat with Todd and you tell me that you are headed to the lake I didn't know how to respond. What was I supposed to say? I hadn't been home all weekend. I didn't want to get home late. You didn't give me a time of when you would be back. I felt pushed aside. Yes, we are all busy. Yes we all have separate lives. But, that was one more time that I got pushed aside for someone else. It's a constant. Always busy. With other people. Too busy for me. Mad and upset was a long time ago. I'm over that. I just keep looking for it to change.
That is the common thread today. Not being mad or upset because someone doesn't put me where I want to be in their lives. I'm trying to figure out where I want to fit within the boundaries they are giving me or if I even fit at all.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Suntan lines...
I just experienced the weirdest weekend. It seemed as if anything that could happen, did. I ranged from crawfish to lingerie. Learning of someone's secret shopping to getting the door slammed in my face (again). I'm not even sure where to start so I'll start from the beginning.
Friday night Ev and I went and met Brian and Allison downtown. I finally got to meet her! She's just as lovely as she can be. There were the awkward moments but, I managed to um...get through them. I apparently left one hell of a voice message. To have been a fly on the wall in that bathroom!
Saturday was like the roller coaster ride in Jersey. Fun, then you get come to a screeching halt. You sit there. Stunned, terrified and then you are off again. Only wishing you had gotten off when you had the chance. I went to Mika's lingerie shower and sat next to my future mother in law. Enough said.
Then I went and sat outside and ate a ton of crawfish! This was the good part. Only until I got back to mom's to change for the party that night and realized I had burnt the crap out of myself! I'm still red and purple today! Oh, but that's not it. When we were putting me in the dress....the zipper broke. Thirty minutes before I'm supposed to meet Bre. I ended up borrowing one of Bre's dresses. Sunburn and all.
The party was a typical bachelorette party. Yet, somehow at the end of the night I was in awe. The older women were way more wild than us young folks and I was learning wayyyyy to much! Needless to say when my head hit the pillow that night, I was out cold. It had been a very long and exhausting day!
Sunday was nice. I got to go to church and see my brother. I ended up going home earlier than expected but, well....I have nothing to say to that. I may lock that proverbial door. I made it home and Evan and I did boring couple stuff (laundry, doggie baths) but, it was nice after the weekend I had just experienced. Of course, when I got home initally I was ready for a fight but, thank goodness he just rolls with me realizing that I will come out of the funk. Man, you gotta love that man. He's perfect. And shopping!
Now, I just have to survive this week and next week I'm in Jonesboogie with the girls!
Friday night Ev and I went and met Brian and Allison downtown. I finally got to meet her! She's just as lovely as she can be. There were the awkward moments but, I managed to um...get through them. I apparently left one hell of a voice message. To have been a fly on the wall in that bathroom!
Saturday was like the roller coaster ride in Jersey. Fun, then you get come to a screeching halt. You sit there. Stunned, terrified and then you are off again. Only wishing you had gotten off when you had the chance. I went to Mika's lingerie shower and sat next to my future mother in law. Enough said.
Then I went and sat outside and ate a ton of crawfish! This was the good part. Only until I got back to mom's to change for the party that night and realized I had burnt the crap out of myself! I'm still red and purple today! Oh, but that's not it. When we were putting me in the dress....the zipper broke. Thirty minutes before I'm supposed to meet Bre. I ended up borrowing one of Bre's dresses. Sunburn and all.
The party was a typical bachelorette party. Yet, somehow at the end of the night I was in awe. The older women were way more wild than us young folks and I was learning wayyyyy to much! Needless to say when my head hit the pillow that night, I was out cold. It had been a very long and exhausting day!
Sunday was nice. I got to go to church and see my brother. I ended up going home earlier than expected but, well....I have nothing to say to that. I may lock that proverbial door. I made it home and Evan and I did boring couple stuff (laundry, doggie baths) but, it was nice after the weekend I had just experienced. Of course, when I got home initally I was ready for a fight but, thank goodness he just rolls with me realizing that I will come out of the funk. Man, you gotta love that man. He's perfect. And shopping!
Now, I just have to survive this week and next week I'm in Jonesboogie with the girls!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Introducing PuggleBerry Fin. He's almost eight weeks old. He's exactly what my house needed. So much so that I even came home to Evan in a good mood! They'd played outside all day! After Ella, my life was dim. After Cody, our house was no longer a home. We were all sad and mopey. Yesterday, there was laughter and fun...and LOVE. We enjoyed being together and spending time away from the TV. I even made dinner! So, Mr. 2008....you don't win. I am going to beat you. I am going to have a good year. And yes, there are some tough moments ahead but, because I have the bestest friends and family standing behind me we will prevail. So ha!Tuesday, April 1, 2008
For my babies.
For just a moment
I’m sure I saw a flicker of light ahead.
Perhaps it was your smile.
Though past now,
remembered,
in my heart
like the small sound
of a butterfly passing by.
No night is so dark
that can not be brightened
with memories of you.
Raindrops carry along
your blessings from heaven
to wash away my tears
and bring me hope anew.
Rarely do I write. Usually it is great upheaval that causes the words to flow. These came out last night. I miss Ella and Cody so much. They are the first things I think about when I wake up and the last thing I see before I drift off at night. Lately they have even been in my dreams. Maybe these are the words I've been searching for and now I can have some peace.
I’m sure I saw a flicker of light ahead.
Perhaps it was your smile.
Though past now,
remembered,
in my heart
like the small sound
of a butterfly passing by.
No night is so dark
that can not be brightened
with memories of you.
Raindrops carry along
your blessings from heaven
to wash away my tears
and bring me hope anew.
Rarely do I write. Usually it is great upheaval that causes the words to flow. These came out last night. I miss Ella and Cody so much. They are the first things I think about when I wake up and the last thing I see before I drift off at night. Lately they have even been in my dreams. Maybe these are the words I've been searching for and now I can have some peace.
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