Hmph...

I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel I've been searching for is here. Only it didn't bring me the answers I was looking for. That's a strange feeling. I finally got some answers but, they weren't the ones that my heart wanted.

So, he's not ready. And he thinks I only am because everyone around me is actually doing it. But, here's the thing. I was ready long before Amanda's Vegas, his brother has been engaged nearly the entire time and Nana just started hers. Yes, there is also Amber and Brian this summer but, he's not even going to those with me. I was/am ready for myself. We've been living together for over a year. I'm ready.

Yet, he says he's not. What am I supposed to do with that? By now, that just sounds like an excuse or just further delaying what is never coming. Do I bow out gracefully? Do I stick it out and give myself a timeline? Do I become that girl that never really gets the guy? I took all of the stuff that I had been researching out of my purse this morning. I figured that was a good start to acceptance.

I don't feel okay today, however I'm not sure how to correctly describe what it is that I am feeling. I love him. I love him like I've loved no other. He is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the one who I trust. Who I let down my guard. Yet, I'm smart enough to realize that just because I feel that way doesn't mean that he does.

So, I show up at work. I put on my happy face and then I realize that the shit hadn't quite hit the fan just yet. Emily read my blog. But, more than that she took offense and actually responded. However, she put it out there like it was me. I'm not going to fight and toss words that in the end won't mean anything. But, just in case she reads it again...I did want you there Friday. That's why I asked. I didn't expect you to come to dinner. It was just me and Ev. I didn't know it was a couple thing because Courtney and Staci didn't show. I didn't know Matt wasn't coming and I certainly didn't know you were bringing your own entourage. I didn't know either of the girls with you. I didn't feel like you were actually there to be with me. I didn't get mad. I didn't get anything. I was too busy dealing with all of my other emotions that night. I was just glad that I got to see you.

Now, Sunday. In my mind, and I admit that the communication lines could've gotten crossed, but, in my mind it was always planned that I was going to church. Going to eat with Todd and then headed to Searcy. That way you had time to go to church and eat lunch with Matt or whomever. I didn't want to interrupt your Sunday schedule. You told me initially that you didn't have plans and that sounded like a good idea. So, when I'm on my way to eat with Todd and you tell me that you are headed to the lake I didn't know how to respond. What was I supposed to say? I hadn't been home all weekend. I didn't want to get home late. You didn't give me a time of when you would be back. I felt pushed aside. Yes, we are all busy. Yes we all have separate lives. But, that was one more time that I got pushed aside for someone else. It's a constant. Always busy. With other people. Too busy for me. Mad and upset was a long time ago. I'm over that. I just keep looking for it to change.

That is the common thread today. Not being mad or upset because someone doesn't put me where I want to be in their lives. I'm trying to figure out where I want to fit within the boundaries they are giving me or if I even fit at all.