First Christmas, now Easter. I can't do it anymore.
I was just beginning to feel somewhat normal and ok with the horrid christmas experience when thud, there I am swinging by my ankles because life happened again.
Saturday, Evan and I went to Hot Springs and had a nice day with friends. We left around three-thirty and got home around ten fifteen or so. Here's the moment where I quit being okay. I opened the backdoor to let Brody in and there he was in all his glory. He came in and started to eat but, no one came with him. My babies weren't there. I didn't panic at first. They were probably in the dog house. Nope not there. I don't know why but, I walked over to the gate at the fence and lets just say I woke up the neighbor. The lock had been opened and they were gone. My babies who weigh no more than ten pounds are gone. Into the night. I'm hysterical. I really have woken up the neighbor who is out helping us look for them. I'm driving, crying. I get home Evan takes off with Brody on foot. I call the police trying to figure out who I am supposed to really talk to and an officer says he is on his way. I was that panicked. I'm sitting at the house waiting on word in case one of them comes home and in walks Ev. He's holding my baby girl. She's safe. Some angels took her in and kept her from harm for me. We looked for two hours and wore ourselves out. Evan finally convinced me to lay down after leaving all of the lights on, the garage door open and some food out for Cody.
Sunday morning we look. Still no sign of him. I'm convinced that someone has him and is keeping him safe. I know that since it is Easter everyone is going to be at church so going door to door isn't going to do me any good. I decided to go to church and have my time with God. I sat through the entire service pleading with him. Afterwards me, Mom, Dad and Cooper head back to Benton. We made fliers and took off. We had split up to cover more ground when I hear my dad hollering for my mom. My heart sank. I turned around and there was my baby. He'd been hit by a car. A wonderful family had gotten him and held him for me. I had found my baby and it was going to tear me apart. I took him home and cleaned him up. I got him a shirt and his toys and we laid him to rest with Ella. I wouldn't have it any other way.
He was my boy. He was such a momma's boy. People have told us that they saw him playing in the pond, swimming with the ducks and just on a grand pug adventure. It brings some ease to the pain but, not much. I'll never understand how someone could hit him and leave. In a neighborhood where you can't drive over thirty. They could have stopped. They could have swerved. Someone could have saved my baby. I know that I am supposed to be grateful that I have Maggie and Brody. And believe me I am. I would not be able to get out of bed if we had lost them all. But, to lose my Codes after such a tramatic experience with Ella, I'm not sure how to feel. I feel very raw and exposed. I feel like I have just split down the center. This one I can't wrap my head around. This one I can't make sense of.
In literally three months we went from a family of six to four. My original crew is now just me and Mags. That reality is eating away at me.
Evan has been so good. He knows the pain. He's trying to help me. Yet, this morning happened.
Honestly, from the bottom of my heart I know it isn't true. But, I also was sitting on a ledge. And white lace pushed me. I knew that it wouldn't take much but, I also knew that I was about to fall. I fell. Hard. So hard that I can't even cry. I just feel even more empty because I could lose Evan. Just yesterday I told him that I needed him to always be there. What if he's not? What if it really is just me and Maggie? Can I do this again? I honestly don't know. I don't know how to get around this one. I don't know how to be the strong independent woman who can survive anything. I think my raft has sprung a leak and I'm going to drown in the Colorado River. The rapids have punctured the life raft......
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
The Mongolian Death Flu
Oh my. It's back. With more fury than I've ever known.
I've ran a fever since Saturday. I've been in bed since Sunday. I've been miserable since Friday.
I came to work today because my boss apparently has no sympathy. However, I am finishing up what is on my desk and I am going home. Nothing sounds better than crawling back into bed. NOTHING.
I am alive (barely). Apparently in my illness I have missed a ton. I vaguely remember the convos over the last few days but, there were engagements, marriages, deadlines and rings galore. I just slept through it all I guess.
Ugh...gonna go finish so I can go home.
I've ran a fever since Saturday. I've been in bed since Sunday. I've been miserable since Friday.
I came to work today because my boss apparently has no sympathy. However, I am finishing up what is on my desk and I am going home. Nothing sounds better than crawling back into bed. NOTHING.
I am alive (barely). Apparently in my illness I have missed a ton. I vaguely remember the convos over the last few days but, there were engagements, marriages, deadlines and rings galore. I just slept through it all I guess.
Ugh...gonna go finish so I can go home.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Snow Days
It's snowing in Arkansas in March! Really what is up with the weather these days! We had tornadoes on Monday, Snow on Tuesday, sleet yesterday and heavy snow today. Good gracious!
I started my women's bible study last night. "Living Beyond Yourself" I really really like last night. I could already recognize what I do when things seem out of my reach. I don't strain. I don't push myself. I just quit. How many times have I said "I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of pushing. I'm tired of putting so much effort into something that I get nothing out of?" I've done with romantic relationships, friendships, and even relationships within my family. Well, I'm going to go back to pushing my boundaries. Even though I don't think I can do it, God knows I can. He knows that the greatest things come with effort and a little blood, sweat and tears. So here's my goal....
1. Have patience with Evan. In all things big and small. God knows what my heart wants and if it is meant to be he will bring me my sparkle and my happy ever after.
2. Work on things with Emily. Even though I feel like I have been pushed out, I must push myself back in.
3. Push myself back into Courtney's life as well. We have come to far and too long to lose it now.
4. Push myself to not want an apology and a conversation to make things better with my brother. He's my brother no matter what.
As I sit here watching the snow fall I feel peace yet fear. What if Emily doesn't want me back in? What if things with Evan don't work out? What if Todd never wants to come home and be a family again? Here is me pushing myself out of the tomb of self denial and pushing myself into his glory and into his light. I feel like I'm pushing one of the rocks from stonehenge and at any minute it will tumble down on top of me and I will perish but, at least no one will be able to say I wasn't actively living and loving.
If you see me red faced and out of breath it's because on top of my running habit I'm not an active pusher in my own life. I've learned to stand up and not be the door mat. Know I have to learn to push the door wide open.
I started my women's bible study last night. "Living Beyond Yourself" I really really like last night. I could already recognize what I do when things seem out of my reach. I don't strain. I don't push myself. I just quit. How many times have I said "I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of pushing. I'm tired of putting so much effort into something that I get nothing out of?" I've done with romantic relationships, friendships, and even relationships within my family. Well, I'm going to go back to pushing my boundaries. Even though I don't think I can do it, God knows I can. He knows that the greatest things come with effort and a little blood, sweat and tears. So here's my goal....
1. Have patience with Evan. In all things big and small. God knows what my heart wants and if it is meant to be he will bring me my sparkle and my happy ever after.
2. Work on things with Emily. Even though I feel like I have been pushed out, I must push myself back in.
3. Push myself back into Courtney's life as well. We have come to far and too long to lose it now.
4. Push myself to not want an apology and a conversation to make things better with my brother. He's my brother no matter what.
As I sit here watching the snow fall I feel peace yet fear. What if Emily doesn't want me back in? What if things with Evan don't work out? What if Todd never wants to come home and be a family again? Here is me pushing myself out of the tomb of self denial and pushing myself into his glory and into his light. I feel like I'm pushing one of the rocks from stonehenge and at any minute it will tumble down on top of me and I will perish but, at least no one will be able to say I wasn't actively living and loving.
If you see me red faced and out of breath it's because on top of my running habit I'm not an active pusher in my own life. I've learned to stand up and not be the door mat. Know I have to learn to push the door wide open.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I found this....
Friendships are good for us,
contributing to our sense of selfworth.
They make our lives fun
and more meaningful. Having
someone to share successes, failures,
hopes, and dreams with is a
precious thing. But like every relationship,
friendships can change.
Not all of them are meant to last.
As we grow older, our attitudes,
beliefs, behaviors, and interests
change. This can have an impact
on our relationships with friends.
Two people who were close in high
school may grow apart if one goes
to college and the other marries
and starts a family. Neighborhood
friends may drift apart when one
family moves to another state.
Co-workers who are close friends
may suddenly find they have little
in common when one takes a
different job.
Short-Term and Long-Term
Friendships
There are two general types of
friendships: long-term and shortterm.
Long-term friends are those
that we have known a very long
time and with whom we have
shared a lifetime’s worth of memories.
Life changes (such as marriages,
divorces, health problems,
or retirement) rarely have any
impact on long-term friendships.
Short-term friendships, on the
other hand, often develop as a
result of everyday life events.
Neighbors, workout partners, book
club buddies, or the fellow parents
with whom you watch your child’s
soccer game are some good examples
of people who may fall into
the short-term friendship category.
These friendships generally do not
last forever. They serve a purpose
at a specific time in your life.
When to End a Friendship
Some friendships, like the shortterm
ones, will dissolve as life
changes. When the pottery class or
the softball season ends, chances
are the friendships made in those
situations won’t continue. You had
something in common with that
person for a time, but now those
circumstances have ended and the
odds are that you will both move
on to other things.
Other friendships don’t end as
easily. Whether short-term or longterm,
troubled friendships may
reach a point where they have to
be dissolved. If you are spending
valuable time on a relationship
that is unhealthy or that doesn’t
add to your life, you could be
sacrificing your emotional health
and happiness. Signs that it is
time to end a friendship include:
• Gradual distancing. You
may not have as much fun
with the person as you once
did and each of you may begin
to pull away from the other.
• High maintenance
behavior. Spending time
with a certain person may
require a lot of effort —
perhaps more than you
are comfortable giving.
• Betrayal. Your friend may
have hurt you once, or do so
repeatedly or in a deliberate
manner.
Ways to End a Friendship
Ending a friendship is not easy.
Most people want to avoid conflict
and don’t want to hurt the feelings
of someone they once cared about.
Because of this, many people
stay in unhealthy friendships
and sacrifice their own happiness.
As with most relationships, being
in a friendship that is hurtful or
in which you don’t feel supported
can lead to stress and feelings of
low self-esteem.
If you feel it’s necessary to
end a friendship, there are two
approaches that you can take:
• Directly. While this is the
most effective approach, it’s
not easy. If conflict is involved,
being assertive is an honest
approach because it lets both
people know where they stand.
If you choose this method, do
not accuse or blame the other
person. State your position
clearly and calmly by using “I”
statements, such as “I feel . . .”
or “I think it would be best
if . . .” This gives you a
better chance of ending the
friendship on a positive note.
• Indirectly. Simply letting
a relationship die by not
phoning as frequently or
agreeing to meet as often is a
method that some people use
to withdraw gracefully from
a friendship. Being less active
in the friendship creates emotional
and physical distance.
This can be particularly
effective when a person needs
some breathing space but has
not yet decided to end the
friendship for good. The downside
to this method is that it
may create confusion in the
friend, who may not understand
or agree with the decision
to create some distance.
Ending a friendship is never an
easy decision. It should only be
done after you have decided that
your relationship cannot be saved
and that you are better off without
that person in your life. If you
have doubts later on, it may be
worthwhile to remind yourself
of the long-term consequences of
staying in an unhealthy situation.
Remember that you are making
room in your life for more
positive
and nurturing people.
contributing to our sense of selfworth.
They make our lives fun
and more meaningful. Having
someone to share successes, failures,
hopes, and dreams with is a
precious thing. But like every relationship,
friendships can change.
Not all of them are meant to last.
As we grow older, our attitudes,
beliefs, behaviors, and interests
change. This can have an impact
on our relationships with friends.
Two people who were close in high
school may grow apart if one goes
to college and the other marries
and starts a family. Neighborhood
friends may drift apart when one
family moves to another state.
Co-workers who are close friends
may suddenly find they have little
in common when one takes a
different job.
Short-Term and Long-Term
Friendships
There are two general types of
friendships: long-term and shortterm.
Long-term friends are those
that we have known a very long
time and with whom we have
shared a lifetime’s worth of memories.
Life changes (such as marriages,
divorces, health problems,
or retirement) rarely have any
impact on long-term friendships.
Short-term friendships, on the
other hand, often develop as a
result of everyday life events.
Neighbors, workout partners, book
club buddies, or the fellow parents
with whom you watch your child’s
soccer game are some good examples
of people who may fall into
the short-term friendship category.
These friendships generally do not
last forever. They serve a purpose
at a specific time in your life.
When to End a Friendship
Some friendships, like the shortterm
ones, will dissolve as life
changes. When the pottery class or
the softball season ends, chances
are the friendships made in those
situations won’t continue. You had
something in common with that
person for a time, but now those
circumstances have ended and the
odds are that you will both move
on to other things.
Other friendships don’t end as
easily. Whether short-term or longterm,
troubled friendships may
reach a point where they have to
be dissolved. If you are spending
valuable time on a relationship
that is unhealthy or that doesn’t
add to your life, you could be
sacrificing your emotional health
and happiness. Signs that it is
time to end a friendship include:
• Gradual distancing. You
may not have as much fun
with the person as you once
did and each of you may begin
to pull away from the other.
• High maintenance
behavior. Spending time
with a certain person may
require a lot of effort —
perhaps more than you
are comfortable giving.
• Betrayal. Your friend may
have hurt you once, or do so
repeatedly or in a deliberate
manner.
Ways to End a Friendship
Ending a friendship is not easy.
Most people want to avoid conflict
and don’t want to hurt the feelings
of someone they once cared about.
Because of this, many people
stay in unhealthy friendships
and sacrifice their own happiness.
As with most relationships, being
in a friendship that is hurtful or
in which you don’t feel supported
can lead to stress and feelings of
low self-esteem.
If you feel it’s necessary to
end a friendship, there are two
approaches that you can take:
• Directly. While this is the
most effective approach, it’s
not easy. If conflict is involved,
being assertive is an honest
approach because it lets both
people know where they stand.
If you choose this method, do
not accuse or blame the other
person. State your position
clearly and calmly by using “I”
statements, such as “I feel . . .”
or “I think it would be best
if . . .” This gives you a
better chance of ending the
friendship on a positive note.
• Indirectly. Simply letting
a relationship die by not
phoning as frequently or
agreeing to meet as often is a
method that some people use
to withdraw gracefully from
a friendship. Being less active
in the friendship creates emotional
and physical distance.
This can be particularly
effective when a person needs
some breathing space but has
not yet decided to end the
friendship for good. The downside
to this method is that it
may create confusion in the
friend, who may not understand
or agree with the decision
to create some distance.
Ending a friendship is never an
easy decision. It should only be
done after you have decided that
your relationship cannot be saved
and that you are better off without
that person in your life. If you
have doubts later on, it may be
worthwhile to remind yourself
of the long-term consequences of
staying in an unhealthy situation.
Remember that you are making
room in your life for more
positive
and nurturing people.
Monday, February 18, 2008
When is enough, enough?
When is the point that you just save whatever dignity you have left and just bow out gracefully...or in my case without falling over? When do you know when the time has come to just walk away?
I'm torn. I've been torn.
Yesterday, I surrounded myself with four other women and we had a blast. There was no drama. We talked and giggled about everything but, drama. It was wonderful. I don't get that very often.
I'm in an impossible situation. No matter what they say, I'm stuck in the middle of two of the very best people. But, here's the catch. One is still present in my life. One realizes that I'm having my own heartaches and mini battles while the other seemingly doesn't notice my absence that she created. I've tried. Lord knows I've tried.
I've invited to meet up. To do fun normal things. Instead I get blown off or accused of ambushing. That isn't fair. But, what is even worse is that now I'm worried about her. I'm worried about her stability and mental health. I of all people know that you can only hold so much inside for so long without it having some kind of effect on how you see the world.
I know it is pointless to fight for a relationship that the other half isn't willing to fight for. I know this. I learned this lesson. Yet, I still find myself defending, wanting to talk to, wanting to see...and still I get nothing in return.
I deserve better than nothing. I deserve and true friend who is there for me every step of the way. Yes, we all have our own lives but, friendships are supposed to enrich those lives. I'd hardly call arguing, blaming, and definitely not forgiving enrichment.
I'm torn. I've been torn.
Yesterday, I surrounded myself with four other women and we had a blast. There was no drama. We talked and giggled about everything but, drama. It was wonderful. I don't get that very often.
I'm in an impossible situation. No matter what they say, I'm stuck in the middle of two of the very best people. But, here's the catch. One is still present in my life. One realizes that I'm having my own heartaches and mini battles while the other seemingly doesn't notice my absence that she created. I've tried. Lord knows I've tried.
I've invited to meet up. To do fun normal things. Instead I get blown off or accused of ambushing. That isn't fair. But, what is even worse is that now I'm worried about her. I'm worried about her stability and mental health. I of all people know that you can only hold so much inside for so long without it having some kind of effect on how you see the world.
I know it is pointless to fight for a relationship that the other half isn't willing to fight for. I know this. I learned this lesson. Yet, I still find myself defending, wanting to talk to, wanting to see...and still I get nothing in return.
I deserve better than nothing. I deserve and true friend who is there for me every step of the way. Yes, we all have our own lives but, friendships are supposed to enrich those lives. I'd hardly call arguing, blaming, and definitely not forgiving enrichment.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
I've come undone
I knew it was coming. I could feel it bubbling. I just didn't know what would set off the eruption. Apparently, absolutely nothing. I literally went from fine to definitely not fine in .3 seconds. Everything that has been bottled up since December 26 came out. All of the hurt, anger, sadness, grief, guilt....it all came out.
My life stopped the day after christmas. I've pretended to be okay. I've pretended that I'm the person that gets over it. I've pretended....
I'm not pretending anymore. I lost her. I lost a part of myself. I don't look forward to much because I expect the hurt and the disappointment. I have showered the others with so much love. I have focused solely on Lee. I let Maggie get away with anything. And yet, still I hurt. Still I feel this amazing grief over something that wasn't ever really mine. She was an angel. She's at home yet, she's not with me. My home doesn't feel, sound, smell...well, it isn't the same.
I know that a new puppy will not replace her. I don't want to replace her. I just want a new beginning. I want to be able to look forward to going home. I'm ready to start looking ahead and not behind. It would appear as though there are very few in my life who truely understand this. Poor Evan. I know he didn't. However, after the other night I think he may have gotten a glimpse of what I've been going through.
Today is the day for love. Lee said it's the new 2008. I'll try it with her.....not sure how it will work but, I'll try. Apparently with Lee, I'll try anything. Even banging my head on a concrete wall. Or hitting myself with a hammer just to make sure that I can indeed still feel...even if it is pain.
My life stopped the day after christmas. I've pretended to be okay. I've pretended that I'm the person that gets over it. I've pretended....
I'm not pretending anymore. I lost her. I lost a part of myself. I don't look forward to much because I expect the hurt and the disappointment. I have showered the others with so much love. I have focused solely on Lee. I let Maggie get away with anything. And yet, still I hurt. Still I feel this amazing grief over something that wasn't ever really mine. She was an angel. She's at home yet, she's not with me. My home doesn't feel, sound, smell...well, it isn't the same.
I know that a new puppy will not replace her. I don't want to replace her. I just want a new beginning. I want to be able to look forward to going home. I'm ready to start looking ahead and not behind. It would appear as though there are very few in my life who truely understand this. Poor Evan. I know he didn't. However, after the other night I think he may have gotten a glimpse of what I've been going through.
Today is the day for love. Lee said it's the new 2008. I'll try it with her.....not sure how it will work but, I'll try. Apparently with Lee, I'll try anything. Even banging my head on a concrete wall. Or hitting myself with a hammer just to make sure that I can indeed still feel...even if it is pain.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Night of the Twisters...for real.
Let me just say it, I hate tornadoes. I hate storms period. They are my worst fear. And I live in tornado alley, so my fears are realized quite often.
Yesterday from five until eleven I was glued to my tv. I watched the powerful storms overtake our state and watched as lives were forever changed. My heart goes out to those in Atkins, Clinton and Gassville. As the sun dawns today, they are just beginning to realize the damage. The only time I left the news coverage was in the hour that I myself had to no power and no tv. I was in the bathroom with my pillows and blankets and dogs. We were all cuddled in the dark because I couldn't get through the house to find a flashlight. Of course, I was home alone when all of this was going on. Evan had to work so I had to rely on Mom, Lee and Amanda to get me through my fears and keep me calm. As I drove through the neighborhood this morning I realized how lucky we were. There were limbs down and I wouldn't be suprised to come home to some roofers. I know that ours took a pounding. My swing my not have survived and that makes me sad. Hopefully, it can be fixed. Ev is supposed to work on that today.
Once the danger had passed me and my power was restored, I was once again glued to the tv because the storms were now affecting others that I loved. While Lee had talked me through my crisis suddenly I was talking her through her own. Ryan was lost somewhere around Jackson when the tornado hit there and destroyed Union University. But, on top of that the black dot was bearing down on downtown Nashville. It was headed straight for Lee! It was a very long night!
I am happy to report that Ryan made it Nashville right after the first storm, Lee only slept in her closet one more time and everyone seems to have come out unscathed by mother nature.
It is nights like these that I wish I lived anywhere but in Tornado Alley.
I am praying for those of you who were severely impacted. God Bless...
Yesterday from five until eleven I was glued to my tv. I watched the powerful storms overtake our state and watched as lives were forever changed. My heart goes out to those in Atkins, Clinton and Gassville. As the sun dawns today, they are just beginning to realize the damage. The only time I left the news coverage was in the hour that I myself had to no power and no tv. I was in the bathroom with my pillows and blankets and dogs. We were all cuddled in the dark because I couldn't get through the house to find a flashlight. Of course, I was home alone when all of this was going on. Evan had to work so I had to rely on Mom, Lee and Amanda to get me through my fears and keep me calm. As I drove through the neighborhood this morning I realized how lucky we were. There were limbs down and I wouldn't be suprised to come home to some roofers. I know that ours took a pounding. My swing my not have survived and that makes me sad. Hopefully, it can be fixed. Ev is supposed to work on that today.
Once the danger had passed me and my power was restored, I was once again glued to the tv because the storms were now affecting others that I loved. While Lee had talked me through my crisis suddenly I was talking her through her own. Ryan was lost somewhere around Jackson when the tornado hit there and destroyed Union University. But, on top of that the black dot was bearing down on downtown Nashville. It was headed straight for Lee! It was a very long night!
I am happy to report that Ryan made it Nashville right after the first storm, Lee only slept in her closet one more time and everyone seems to have come out unscathed by mother nature.
It is nights like these that I wish I lived anywhere but in Tornado Alley.
I am praying for those of you who were severely impacted. God Bless...
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